Snake Dogg Blogg

That ruled. Let's do it again.

Top 5 Out of State Schools Jevan Snead should consider transferring to:

1. Wisconsin

2. Georgia Tech
3. BYU

4. Boston

   College

5. Ohio

   State

Top 5 In State Schools He Should Consider:

1. Houston

2. TCU
3. UTEP
4. Rice

5. North Texas

Top 5 Repercussions of Having a Hairy Butthole:

1. Pain
2. Misery
3. Rimjoblessness
4. Stench

5a. Frustration

5b. Toilet Paper Waste

Top 5 Ways to Pick Stocks to Purchase:

1. Ultralarge Cap or Large Caps with a low stock price
2. Analyst recommendations
3. The company name sounds cool
4. Noble cause (e.g. drug company looking for cure for cancer)
5. Dartboard

Top 5 Musical Acts with heavy harmonica influence:

1. Bob Dylan
2. Blues Traveler
3. Mutt Lange
4. Tom Petty
5. Billy Joel (Piano Man was enough to qualify him)

Top 5 Basketball Players of All Time (Post Tom-llogg-kineyb-snakediggity Argument Revision):

1. Michael Jordan (brutal at its best)
2. Wilt Chamberlain (100pts in a game. AVERAGED 44 points over an entire season)
3. Oscar Robertson (mufucka AVERAGED a triple double for an entire season; he’s top 3)

4-5b. Hakeem Olajuwon, David Robinson, and Tim Duncan (whatever order you want)

Top 5 Recently Purchased Clothing Items:

1. Wrangler Blue Jean Jacket (www.walmart.com; $18)
2. Arctic Quest Black Ski Pants (www.target.com; $28)
3. The North Face Green Waterproof Lightweight Jacket (

   Tallil

   AB

   PX; $37)

4. Robben

   Island

   Commemorative Ski Cap (Great

   Mall of Cape Town

   South Africa

   ; $15)
5. muslim smock with accompanying headdress and wrap whip (

   Tallil

   AB

   haji mart; $12)

Top 5 Rock Songs To Get Pumped to before an athletic endeavor:

1. More Human Than Human- White Zombie
2. Thunderstruck- AC/DC
3. Hey Man Nice Shot- Filter
4. Come Out and Play- The Offspring
5. Enter Sandman- Metallica

Top 5 Rap Songs To Get Pumped to:

1. Real Motherfucking G’s- EZE
2. Fuck Wit Dre Day- Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg
3. Jump Around- House of Pain
4. Lose Yourself- Eminem
5. Tres Delinquentes- Delinquent Habits

Top 5 Things To Do Before You Die:

1. Love somebody enough to get hurt
2. Fuck
3. Get fucked up
4. Sing, dance, and play
5. Chill and take it all in

Top 5 Stand-Up Comedians of All Time:

1. Robin Williams
2. Eddie Murphy
3. Richard Pryor
4. Dana Carvey

5.a Chris Tucker

5b. Don’t even fucking say Sam Kennison god rest his soul he was NOT funny he sucked

Top 5 Military Branches in order:

1. Air Force (get treated right)
2. Coast Guard (badass)
3. Navy (ghey)
4. Marines (fucking crazy)
5. Army (horrible; seriously I’d rather die or NOT be American than serve in the Army)

Top 5

Lists and lists and lists and lists…

Top 5 most underrated movies

1. High Fidelity
2. Silverado
3. Return of the Jedi
4. The Pistol (about Pete Maravich)
5. Disney’s Robin Hood

Top 5 Most Annoying Ebonics Terms/Phrases

1. Scrimps
2. Throwed
3. Oh no he/she didn’t
4. Holla
5. Not/Ain’t trying to hear that

Top 5 Most Underutilized UT Football Players

1. Erick Jackson
2. The Quan
3. Drew Kelson
4. Jamaal Charles
5. Jared Norton

Top 5 Shittiest Things About Tallil

1. Dust and Mud
2. Food
3. Women (or lack thereof)
4. Dumbasses
5. Rocket/Mortar Attacks

Top 5 Basketball Players of All Time

1. Jordan

2. Wilt Chamberlain
3. Larry Legend
4. Magic
5. Jimmy Chitwood (or the actor who played him)

Top 5

U.S.

Cities I haven’t been to

1. New York

2. Chicago

3. Nashville

4. Charlotte

5a.

L.A.

5b.

San Francisco

5c.

Seattle

Top 5 Famous Bitches I want to Bang

1. Jessica Alba
2. Natalie Portman
3. Eliza Dushku
4. Madonna
5. any # of bitches could fall here, we’ll go Jennifer Aniston for now since I just saw that one scene in The Breakup where she walks in front of Vince Vaughn naked.

Top 5 Sports Movies of All Time

1. Hoosiers (and it’s not even close)
2. Rocky
3. The Pistol (about Pete Maravich)
4. Remember The Titans
5. Don’t Tell Me No: The Muggsy Bogues Story*

*made for TV

Top 5 Funniest Characters in Movies

1. Smokey from “Friday” (Chris Tucker)
2. Stifler from “American Pie” (Seann William Scott)
3. Jules Winfield from “Pulp Fiction” (Samuel Jackson—who, by the way, is a huge Toronto Raptors fan)
4. Salacious Crumb from “Return of the Jedi” (no clue, although I guess it could be Jim Henson)
5. Frank the Tank from “Old School” (Will Ferrell)

Top 5 Coaches I would want to replace Mack Brown if he retired

1. Greg Schiano, HC,

   Rutgers

2. Gene Chizik, DC,

   Texas

3. Jerry Gray, DC,

   Buffalo

   Bills
4. Chris Peterson, HC,

   Boise

   State

5. Major Applewhite, OC, Rice

Top 5 Songs to listen to when you’re depressed because of a girl

1. Hurt- Nine Inch Nails
2. The Scientist- Coldplay
3. Walk Away- Ben Harper
4. Miss Misery- Elliot Smith
5. Butterfly- Weezer

Top 5 Sports Rivalries (Current, not historic)

1. Yankees-Red Sox
2. Ohio State-Michigan
3. Texas-OU
4. Spurs-Mavs
5. Auburn-Alabama

Top 5 Qualities $-ass Bitches Have

1. Hot
2. Nice
3. Fun
4. Smart
5. Horny

Top 5 $iest Movie Quotes

1. “Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.” –Clive Owen in Closer
2. “Wait….wait….pull what out?” –Will Ferrell in Old School
3. “The dart, man…you got a fucking dart in your neck!” –Seann William Scott in Old School
4. “NO!  Try not.  Do.  Or do not. There is no try.” –Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back
5. “Man…the poor always getting fucked over by the rich. Always have, always will.” –King in Platoon

Top 5 People I’d rather be than me

1. Rhett Miller
2. Adrian Grenier
3. Tom Brady
4. Ray Allen
5. Prince William

Top 5 Sporting Events I’ve witnessed in Person

1. Nigeria

   vs.

   Brazil

   , Semifinal game of 1996 Olympic Soccer tournament
2. OU vs.

   Texas

   , 2001 NCAA football game

3. Texas

   vs.

   Nebraska

   , 1999 NCAA football game

4. Texas

   vs. OU, 2003 NCAA basketball game

5. St. Joseph

   vs. Beaumont Kelly, 1990 TCIL high school football state championship

Top 5 Fingers

1. Thumb (and it’s not even close)
2. Middle
3. Index
4. Pinky
5. Ring

Top 5 Careers I’d like to pursue

1. Musician/Actor/Comedian
2. Teacher/Coach/Counselor
3. Entrepreneur
4. Stay at home dad
5. CEO

Top 10 Best Jobs in the World

Position, Organization, Affiliation (current job holder)

10. Starting Quarterback, Dallas Cowboys, NFL (Drew Bledsoe)

9. Talent Scout, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition (Lucky Bastard)

8. Quality Control, Budweiser (Norm from "Cheers")

7. B-List Actor, Paramount Studios (Adrian Grenier)

6. Nipple Tweaker, Playboy (Pixiedust Unicorn)

5. Opening Day Starting Pitcher, New York Yankees, Major League Baseball (Randy Johnson)

4. Lead Singer, hot new act, major record label (Jack Johnson)

3. United States Senator, Texas

2. Astronaut, NASA

1. Midfielder/Team Captain, Manchester United Soccer Club (David Beckham)

Voy con Bebe Jesus

Ice down the women and hide your beer!!!! Jake's coming back into town!!!

Well, hard to believe it's been 7 months since I left the states.  I've missed my family and friends terribly and can't wait to see everybody.  If you get a chance just sit and share a beer with me.  Trust me, I'll appreciate the fuck out of it.  BTW, it will be like 4 weeks till I post again, so hopefully you'll all survive (although from the looks of my brothers' and everbody else's blogs, blogging might be dead altogether).  A couple lists before I hit the rzoad:

Good experiences so far:

-Foreigners are funny.

-Gained appreciation for all the little things back home.

-Black people are funny.

-Banked almost $60grr in 7 months.

-Got experience in a fairly lucrative career field.

-Got to know people I would have never ordinarily met or talked to.

-Got out of somewhat of a rut and matured a great deal.

-Now I can bench press over 200lbs., do over 50 consecutive push-ups, run 3 miles in under 20 minutes, and do 15 legit pull-ups.  ("Bitches see this shit, they wanna fuck it!")

-Got a lot closer to sorting out and cementing my religious beliefs.

-Learned about the military lifestyle.

-Played a fair amount of guitar.

-Saw, sucked, and fucked huge tittays.

-Been to 3 continents.

-Got drunk in Cape Town, South Africa.

-Shot a load in a chick's face.

-Didn't get killed (yet).

Bad things so far:

-Ran into a LOT of shitty people.

-Depression and anxiety attacks.

-Shitty food.

-Missed my family and friends and places.

-Lost the wrong girl, got with another wrong girl, treated current wrong girl like trash, broke it off with 2nd wrong girl, 1st wrong girl calls and gives hope to possible R&R pussy, got excited about love, sex, trust, and general state of security and happiness with 1st wrong girl again, 1st wrong girl calls and is bitchy and asks for money, broke off arranged meeting with wrong girl #1, made arrangement with wrong girl #2 without completely resolving situation wiht wrong girl #1, realized maybe I'm just the wrong guy for any girl.

-Realized I'm probably not going to make as much $ as I thought I was.  Realized just how f'ing hard it is to retire.  Realized just how quickly $ goes away.

-Lost some pieces of my personality.  I'm not funny anymore, not as kind, and not as tolerable any more.  I have always been negative, mean, and impatient.  Now I'm even worse.

-Didn't become a guitar virtuoso as I had hoped.

-Muddied the picture of my life even further in some respects.

Well, that's all I got.  Hope to see all of you soon.  Love y'all.

Que Pasa

Hey Kids.

I just felt like posting because I haven't posted in so damn long.  I hate for this thing to become a chore.  One thing I wrestle with is posting about stuff that goes on over here.  A lot of funny, interesting, scary, or otherwise noteworthy events happen over here that technically I would get fired if I wrote about it on the internet.  And since this place consumes my life, those are pretty much the only things I can think of to write about.  Here are some discarded topics of late (copy of my brother's idea):

-The Dude, The Dumpster, and The Portopotty

-Blowing the Cover off this whole Motherfucker

-Anxiety and/or Death

-The Hybner

-Foreigners

-Standards

-"You know why?  Because I'm BRUTAL!"

The Hybner probably would've been a good post, but I just still feel like there is no way I could do it justice.  Anyway, we'll see what I can come up with soon.

This Place

I'm getting REALLY sick of this place.

Things that rule about this place:

-cool looking military weapons and vehicles

-free food

-no traffic, no cars, no driving, no commute

-funny Indian dudes

-funny Mississippian dudes

-funny Phillipino chicks

-$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Things that blow about this place:

-shitty food

-office politics

-things I can't talk about

-no family

-no friends

-no alcohol

-no hotties

-no days off

-staying within a 5 mile radius

-other stuff I can't talk about

-liars

-dumbfucks

Fill In the blank

Since I got here, I've been ___________ an inordinant amount of _________.

-eating; corn, green beans, hamburgers, curry, shitty mystery fish, and egg rolls

-having; self-induced orgasms

-feeling; loneliness

-producing; loose stool

-dealing with; stress

-seeing; military shit

-watching; full-seasons of TV shows

-harboring; thoughts of world domination

-paying; attention to what is happening in Iran

-lowering; my standards

-hearing; hard luck stories of dudes whose wives and girlfriends have ruined their lives

-not feeling; sympathy for these dumbass tools

-spending; time just thinking

-lifting; weights

-wailing on; guitar

Nicknames

Hey everybody.  I'm back from South Africa.  I'm not gonna go with the posts I had planned because I don't have the card with me and I haven't formulated a good SA story yet.  I'll just say that Cape Town is a beautiful place.  It's one of those places where you just know it's one of the most beautiful places in the world.  The trip was pretty uneventful, a lot of plane rides (which always have a good story), and a lot of drinking (again, usually good story fodder), women (again), and beautiful scenery.  But like I said, I'll cover all that later.

During my combined 20hrs of plane time, I had a lot of random thoughts.  One of them that I got hung up on was how many damn nicknames I've acquired.  I think I probably have more nicknames than anyone I know.  I don't know what it says about me, but almost no one calls me by my birthname.  Anyway, here's a list and explanation of all my nicknames. My real name is JaXcob JoXhn SteveXnson BTW.

Jake (obviously short for Jacob)

Jacamo (this fat PE coach called me this in highschool; I think it's italian for Jacob, and I think it's spelled "Giacomo")

Snake, Snake Diggity, Snake Dogg, Snake Pliskin, Jake the Snake Roberts, Snakeman (all this comes from the rhyme, and various other people who have gone before me and been named jake)

Fat Jake (this was given to me by a dude named Brady Anders; a really funny dude. Somehow, it sounds cool when he says it.)

Joliet Jake (this was what my uncle and godfather always called me, I thought he made it up for like 13 years, then I watched the Blues Brothers.  I was crushed.)

Sito (this is the result of me being really fucking wasted one night and calling my best friend and his brother and leaving a message of Spanish gibberish.  I said "sito" a lot.  It was funny at the time.)

Jakey (I don't particularly care for this one...I have a little boy complex, what with looking 14 and all.)

Loglet (my middle older brother's nickname in highschool was "log", so hence "loglet".  You know, like piglet.)

little Stevenson (since I am the youngest of three brothers, a lot of people knew me as Matt and Chris' little brother, so there you go.)

Well, now that they're written in front of me, it doesn't seem like that many.  Especially if you took out all the variations of Snake.  What a waste of time this was.  Fuck this blog.  Man, I'll holler at y'all later.

Brutal

Well, just as I suspected, no one (save my older brother who's gift this blog was) is reading this.  That's actually a good thing.  Knowing that no one is going to read this is kind of liberating in a way.  So, since this is just for me, I've decided to engage in one of my favorite pasttimes; list-making. 

One of the favorite ways to pass time over here is to watch entire seasons of television shows.  The DVDs of seasons of shows are in the $40-100 range in the US, but over here they're like $20 for several seasons.  The first thing I bought was HBO's Band of Brothers, which was awesome.  The second thing I bought was The WB's Smallville.  After watching about 20 straight episodes, I've come to a conclusion:

I've decided that Tom Welling is brutal.  He plays a young Superman on the show.  I've watched a lot of the add'l features and he seems like a pretty genuine dude.

Being brutal in my eyes is elite company.  It means I would rather be you than me.  Here are the other men in the world I would trade lives with:

-Rhett Miller, singer for my favorite band the Old 97s.  He is completely brutal, and anyone who has seen the 97s in concert will vouch for this fact.

-Tom Brady, quarterback for the NFL's New England Patriots.  Even among NFL quarterbacks, a breeding ground for brutality, he stands head, shoulders, and wang above the rest.

-Matt Leinert, quarterback for the University of Southern California football team.  Unfortunately, he will only be truly brutal for about 3 more months. Once he graduates to the NFL, he's compared to Tom Brady and is no longer as brutal.

-Finally, Johnny Depp.  He's been brutal since Platoon.

There have been a lot of people that have come and gone from this list, including Adam Duritz (circa 1994), Leo (circa 1997), and Micheal Jordan (1985-1998).

Ther are also a lot of dudes who are borderline brutal.  Fringe brutality is pretty impressive, and if Tom Cruise, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Pavel Bure, Chipper Jones, or David Beckham came calling to trade existences, I'd give it some serious fucking thought.

Well that's all I got for now.  BTW, I'm not gay, I just have an appreciation for dudes that can pull more booty than Blackbeard.  So, if you think I'm gay, fuck you, buddy.  Love y'all.

Urban Legends

Well, my first blog post.  Hmm...what to write about?  Well first off, I need to get it off my chest that I am much funnier in person than I am on paper.  So, that being said, here goes...

Every small town has that one famous bum/crazy person.  All sorts of stories formulate over the years about things people have seen or uncovered about the person's past.  Well, in Victoria (TX), the town I'm from, our famous bum is a black man known only as "Pepper".  He's been around V-Town for as long as I can remember.  My two favorite "myths" about Pepper are that he won the lottery (and subsequently had the $ taken away from him) and that he fought an electronic stuffed gorilla that sits outside a vacuum cleaner store in a busy part of town.  EVERYONE in Victoria knows these stories.

Recently I stumbled across these Random Facts about Chuck Norris (also here) and they made me laugh my everloving ass off.  I started thinking about the myth that is Chuck Norris, and it got me thinking about all the "random facts" about Pepper.  So I compiled a list:

16 Little Known Facts About Pepper

1. Everyone knows Pepper has been known to dress up in a Civil War outfit.  What most people don’t know, however, is that he actually fought in the Civil War.  (He was for slavery—that crazy n****)
2. Everyone also knows that Pepper once fought, and lost to, the gorilla in front of Tom’s vacuum.  Very few people know why, though.  The reason is that he walked in on the gorilla having sex with his girlfriend.  (Pepper was high; it was not the gorilla from Tom’s vacuum. It was his baby cousin Jermaine.)
3. Pepper once won the lottery.  Afterwards, he spent 4 weeks living in a house made of crack.  Once he had smoked his house and was homeless again, he gave the remainder of his winnings to Brother Gary Moses.
4. Pepper once saved a woman from the 13^th story of a burning building by throwing her his humongous penis.  After she climbed down, Pepper put out the fire by peeing 33,000 gallons of processed Olde English, MD2020, and Red Dog.
5. Pepper can speak 97 languages, including 32 that haven’t even been invented yet.
6. Pepper has trained his body to not require food; he gets all the nutrition he needs from eating cigarette butts.
7. Pepper has the world’s 3^rd largest penny collection.  Too bad he can’t remember where it is.
8. Pepper is actually the first fool that Mr. T pitied.
9. Pepper taught Chuck Norris how to roundhouse kick. Mr. Norris is the only human who can learn this kick without being high on crack.
10. Pepper once went to Chinato train to be a ninja to get revenge on the gorilla (that’s where he got his ninja uniform).  He trained for 6 years. As he walked up to the gorilla for his rematch, he saw the gorilla waving nicely and decided to let bygones be bygones.  They later shared a rock together and told tales of their world travels.
11. Chlamydia was actually named “Pepper” before it was formally diagnosed by scientists.
12. Pepper is actually a cyborg created by the USgovernment to defeat Russiashould WW3 ever occur.  After the Cold War was over Pepper was not needed anymore, so the government got him addicted to crack and released him to the streets of Victoria.
13. Pepper was the 5^th member of the Motown group The Temptations.  The original lyrics of “My Girl” included 17 references to crack cocaine.
14. Pepper doesn’t walk.  He rolls.
15. In 1973, Pepper challenged Rick James to a “crack-off”.  3 weeks later, Colombia declared it had no more cocaine to export.
16. If you give Pepper a ride somewhere, he will grant you 3 wishes.  As long as you wish for crack, cigarette butts, and pennies.

So there you have it.  My first blog post.  I laughed my ass off making those up, hope you found the humor in it.  If not, then fuck you, buddy.  Love y'all.