Cursed With Ambition

Anti-Summer

I think the bar exam is the method by which practicing lawyers and professors crush whatever of our pre-law school souls is remaining after 3 years of bluebooks, 4-inch thick federal income tax codes, and that C you got after reading every case all semester and studying over 72 hours for your final exam.

The bar exam is the 500 lb. gorilla in the room that nobody wants to talk about.  It's that putrid fart in the room that everyone pretends they don't smell.  It's a big hairy wart on the end of someone's nose that you try not to stare at when you look at them.

The worst part is the guilt of not complying with the Barbri study regimen and the fear of actually failing and having to do this all over again.

Here are some of the things that I am not able to enjoy because the bar exam is ruining my life:

1. The taste of beer.
2. Summertime.
3. Fishing in POC.
4. Being in POC.
5. Talking on the phone with my friends.
6. The taste of food.
7. The sound of birds chirping.
8. The stars.
9. Music.
10. Working out.
11. Being tan from the time I spent not enjoying fishing and being in POC.
12. Watching World Cup games.
13. Reading for leisure.
14. Solid bowel movements.
15. Planning trips.

Freak

Yesterday's Barbri lecturer, Erwin Chemerinsky, gave a six hour marathon session on Constitutional Law. As with all of the other lecturers, he wrote the Con Law outline in our Barbri lecture guide that we follow along with during the session. 6 hours of Constitutional Law is grueling, no doubt, but the whole thing took on a freakshow atmosphere to me when I realized that the guy was reciting the entire six hour lecture FROM MEMORY and WITHOUT USING ANY NOTES and reciting the content of his 45-page outline nearly VERBATIM. It was amazing. I felt like we needed a crier out front shouting, "COME ONE, COME ALL AND WITNESS THE INTELLECTUAL PROWESS OF PROFESSOR ERWIN CHEMERINSKY!! HE DAZZLES, HE AMAZES, HE RECITES FORTY FIVE PAGES OF TEXT VERBATIM WITHOUT THE USE OF NOTES OR VISUAL AIDS!!"

Seriously, it was almost spooky. He was able to state each page number and the section of the outline down to the smallest marker. "Under heading III, A, 3, c, ii, You see the rule that laws discriminating against undocumented aliens are subjected to rational basis review."

I'm sure Prof. Chemerinsky has given the lecture dozens of times, if not more. But still pretty impressive. And freakish.

Studying for the Bar Exam Sucks

So it turns out that studying for the bar exam sucks Yeti cock. Who knew?

Law School Graduation

Graduation: The ceremony was pretty typical I suppose: procession of the graduates, dean of the school speaks, valedictorian speaks, keynote speaker speaks, hand out fake diplomas, yells and cheers for each one from their families who each try to do something unique and funny to outdo one another, procession out, reception afterward. There were a few things worth mentioning. 1) We got to wear doctoral robes, which was pretty cool. They were the real deal with velvet trim and stripes on the sleeves, not like the gossamer crap I've worn for every other graduation I've been in. Plus, as law school grads we get "hooded." The "hood" was this strangely shaped garment that was really more of a cape than a hood. 2) Our valedictorian is a fucking tool. Her whole speech was about how she made good grades, always has, how many pages she read, how many notecards she made, how many hours she studied. Fucking puhlease!! She may be going to work for Baker Botts making $140K/year but I wouldn't trade lives with her for anything. I actually feel sorry for her. She excels at academics. Nothing else. She's likely to be in for a rude awakening when she realizes that excelling at academics doesn't always translate well into success in other areas. 3) Once they called my name I couldn't hear anything so I don't even know if my family yelled something like, "Fuck yeah!! That's my dog!!" like they were supposed to. 4) When I walked across the stage to get my faux diploma and shake the dean's hand my tassel got stuck in my mouth. I tried to flip my head to get it out and nearly lost my mortar board. I couldn't move my hands because I was shaking the dean's hand with one and grabbing the faux diploma with the other. Then *SNAP* the photographer took the picture. Fuck me. My graduation picture is going to have me with a fucking purple tassel in my mouth. 5) After you leave from getting your faux diploma and picture taken with the dean you walk across the stage with your hood draped over your arm to a bank of waiting professors so they can hood you. Well it was a total clusterfuck. One of the deans was trying to direct traffic but he was fucking it up. I got to him and he said, "Go over to professor Grfancstre. Is that okay?" First of all, I didn't understand which professor he said because he didn't enunciate because he was nervous becuase he knew the whole thing was a clusterfuck and he was blowing it. And then to ask if the professor he suggested was okay? What was that about? Do I get a choice? (Hooding is supposed to be an honor for the person who hoods you so I guess they liked to give the grads their choice of hooder but they didn't make that known to us in advance.) So I just walked down the line and stopped in front of the first prof who was available. It happened to be my Torts II prof, who I liked, but who was kind of weird and whose exam was completely unfair. (What the fuck is the doctrine of northern lights? Why would you ask us about French and German law?) Anyway, she "hoods" me and as I'm walking away she says, "Oh, it's wrong." So I turn around and ask if she wants to fix it. She hesitated because other grads were piling up waiting to be hooded. I kept my cool and was just like, "Be cool. Let's just take our time, be efficient, get it right and we'll get through this." Meanwhile, this other goober professor tries to come over and help. The first prof tries to fix it but I couldn't see it anyway so I really don't know if they made it any better. 6) They had only one photographer for all of the hooding stations and she was frantically trying to get everyone's picture taken in the melee. It was a mess. I'm sure a quarter of the grads aren't going to have a hooding picture at all. Anyway, I got the fucking diploma and got hooded and made it across the stage and back to my seat without drawing too much attention. 7) There were like 10,000 people there, no exaggeration. Our plan was to go to the reception and eat and drink and meet everyone else's families. The room where they were holding the reception was huge but was packed wall to wall. My eighty-plus year old grandparents were there so we couldn't stay since they couldn't sit down. That was fine with me. I was just glad I got to see the reception setup because the administration had ranted and raved about how well done the reception was going to be and I wanted to see it for myself. I really couldn't see anything for all of the people. So I paid the school over 50 grand and didn't even get my free fucking ham sandwich at the graduation reception. Oh well, I was happier to be with my folks anyway.

So now it's all over. All the exams have been taken, diplomas handed out and champagne drunk. I've already turned my attention to the bar exam. Sitting there during the graduation ceremony though, it came to me - this is the end of the line. I'm almost a lawyer. I know I want to practice law and I'm probably going to do it for the rest of my life. As recently as summer of 2002, if you would've told me that I'd be applying to law school I would've laughed at you. If you would have told me that I'd get accepted to law school and not only cut it there but do relatively well I would've thought you were crazy. I've come a very long way since then. Graduating from law school is what it is and if nothing else, it's an accomplishment that I'm proud of and from the looks on my parents' faces that day, they're proud too. It was a good moment and one I'll never forget.

Law School: The Final Days

You think it went by fast for you? It's really, really hard to believe it's over. It will be a while before I realize that I will never be in a classroom again listening to a professor lecture or take a final exam or stay up all night writing a paper. Here's a recap of the final days:

Finals: I only had three written finals: Oil and Gas (which was 200 T/F, no essays), TX Trial and Appellate Procedure and Agency and Partnership. The A&P final was one of the top five hardest I've had to take in law school. You try reconciling the UPA, RUPA, TRPA, TBOC and common law! Trust me, it sucked. Studying for that last final was like trying to get psyched up for my bris. Strangely, I felt pretty good coming out of the exam. I rang the big-ass bell on the first floor of the school, which is a tradition after you take your last exam. Drank a beer and celebrated with all of the other last-timers and then went and had a few more at a bar down the street.

My Time Off: I took a couple of days between my last final and the graduation weekend to go down to the bay. I didn't really relax because I pretty much worked about twenty hours in two days on our house. But I did enjoy it all the same. The worst day in POC beats the best day anywhere else in my book.

The Graduation Parties: Starting Thursday night, the binge was on. Thankfully I followed one of my hangover prevention techniques and didn't arrive at the bar until midnight. That meant I only had two hours to get fucked up. I tried. Really I did. But even I couldn't get totally fucking wasted in two hours. The party was awesome even though it was in an Unce! Unce! club. I realized I'm going to miss a lot of the people I go to school with, especially Whitney Ellis, that hot 2L who studies on the first floor and all of the other cute girls who were there. I'm going to miss the "scene" too. There's something about an academic environment that is just fun. My theory is that we don't all have soul-crushing jobs yet we can still be optimistic about the future. I stayed in on Friday so that I wouldn't be hung over on graduation day. (This is probably the first time I've ever been smart about this kind of thing in my life. I think SOMEONE may be having an influence over me. Either that or I'm getting old or I got smarter in law school.) The Saturday night party after graduation was pretty good too, although a lot less populated and wild than I thought it would be. Nevertheless, I think I asked one of my classmates if she would have my babies. (I was totally kidding, but you should have seen the look on her family's face when they heard me say that. She kept asking me if she could call me a cab after that for some reason.)

There was a time not so long ago where going to law school for me might as well have been the same thing as going to the moon. This has certainly been a journey and the decision to do this has probably been the best decision I've ever made. (That is, if I can find a goddamned job!)

Signing off from law school for the last time,

Ojo Rojo, J.D.

Stumbling In To The Finish Line

Last law school final exam: Agency and Partnership Tuesday, May 16th at 6pm.

Summation:
6 Semesters
24 Final Exams
1 Final Memo
1 Final Appellate Brief
1 Moot Court Tournament
3 Mock Trial Tournaments
1 Trial Notebook
1 Real Estate Closing Documents Notebook
1 Research Paper
4 1L Sections taught in Langdell classes
3-1/2 Girlfriends
1 Fall OCI
1 Summer Clerkship that turned into year-round clerkship
1 Grade of C
0 Permanent Job Offers
30,000 Hairs lost from my head
7300 Westlaw points
1 Swiss Army watch "purchased" with Westlaw Rewards points
0 Second Thoughts
52 Douchebag law students witnessed
1 Blog started
0 Law Review articles written
0 Times I kissed ass to be part of the Board of Advocates
1 Law Review outline CD that I wish I would've had first year
3600 Dollars spent on textbooks and supplements
240 Dollars from selling books back to bookstore
1 Crunchtime bought the day of the exam
Countless Starbucks Grande Americanos
32 Highlighters Used Up
18 Pilot Precise Rolling Ball Pens Used Up

1 Juris Doctor degree soon-to-be-awarded

Worse Investment Than A New Car

I think I've found a worse investment than a new car - law school textbooks. You know how when you buy a new car as soon as you drive it off the lot it depreciates by like four grand? And then it continues to depreciate at a rate so that the amount you owe on it will always be greater than the resale value, regardless of the down payment? Yeah, you know.

Well, law school textbooks are even worse. Here's how it works: you have to buy a brand new one because the bookstore only stocked like five used ones and those went three weeks ago. So you pay around a hundred bucks for the new one. You "use" the book during the semester. In my case, that means I read about thirty pages of it - less if the class has assigned recitation. When I start studying for the exam at the end of the semester I usually don't even open the textbook because basically reading cases is about the worst possible way to try and learn the law, especially for purposes of studying for a law school exam. (It took me about 2 years to figure that out.) So, you may ask, why do I buy the fucking books at all? The answer is simple - textbooks are a security blanket.

So anyway, at the end of the semester I take my little-used textbooks to the bookstore to sell them back. The clerks have a ritual where they take the book, type in the ISBN number to their computer and then tell you one of three things: 1) The class isn't offered next semester so the book isn't being used at all and they aren't buying them back; 2) The book is being used but they've already bought back all the used ones they want; 3) A new edition has come out so they aren't buying your book back at all. Regardless of which scenario they feed you they still tell you, "We're offering to buy the book for seven dollars, but you could wait until the beginning of next semester to try and sell it for more." What? Just so I can find out that there's a new edition or that you've already bought back the five used books for the year? Fuck that. Their excuses don't hold water. The publishers put out new editions so often as another way to fuck students. They usually change very little from edition to edition and justify the changes in law textbooks by claiming that new cases came out changing the law. Well, publish a fucking supplement that I can buy for fifteen bucks with the changes in it assholes! The "not being used this semester" excuse is bullshit too. Of course the class isn't being taught in the summer. They only offer like twelve classes! What about the Fall semster? Is the class being offered then you greedy piece of shit?

The worst part about it is that the bookstore clerks try to act nice about the buyback bullshit. They pretend to feel really bad that they aren't able to buy your books back. The truth of the matter is that they are just pawns of the corporate profit whores who feed off the fact that the government subsidizes education. Otherwise nobody would be able to afford to buy six hundred dollars worth of textbooks every semester.

Bookstores and publishers make more off of a new book than a used one. Plain and simple, the whole industry is fucking students for profit. They know it. You know it. They should hand out cock shaped bookmarks with every purchase that says, "You can stick this up your ass when it comes time to sell your books back." At least then they'd be telling the truth.

Excuses, Excuses

So I've been rather busy lately. Here's a sampling of the things I've been doing other than blogging:

1. Writing a paper entitled: A Legal Analysis of the Selection, Condemnation and Taking of Matagorda Island, Texas
2. Exploring a new love interest.
3. Preparing for my final trial in Civil Trial Advocacy class. (The case is about this dumbshit who was hired to walk through a police academy classroom and then walk out so that the students, who were unaware that this guy was going to come in, could attempt an identification. The guy runs in dressed like a terrorist carrying a fake sword and screaming "Kill the pigs!" while rushing the instructor at the front of the room. One of the cadets shot him twice. He lived. Now he's suing the police academy. I'm representing the police academy. Oh yeah, the guy was supposed to be a world class piano player and his injuries prevent him from playing piano.)
4. Playing mahjong solitaire to procrastinate.
5. Gathering and going over outlines for my three written final exams.
6. Coming up with new ways to inject stripper themes into my conversations with the new love interest and on the blog.
7. Attending the final classes of my law school career.

I'm Ethical!!

Passed the MPRE!! 

Absolutely did not deserve to pass, but I did. 

Typical Statements of Law Students at Various Stages of Their Law School Careers

1L - "I just finished reading all four cases for Civ Pro.  Twice.  I have a three-page brief for each one.  Now I've got to read for Professor Kelso's Contracts I class and later I'm going to do some research for my memo.  I know if I keep working hard and make my own outlines for all of my classes that I can grade on to the law review and be in the top ten percent of my class.  My partying days are over.  I would never date a fellow law student."

2L - "Since I'm busy researching all six of the firms who have granted me an interview for OCI and prepping with mock interviews and I'm busy writing my appellate brief for moot court and writing opening and closing statements, directs and crosses for my witnesses for mock trial, I'm only going to book brief the first half of the semester.  I didn't make Law Review so I have to shore up my resume with my superior advocacy skills.  I binge drink on the weekends and occasionally at happy hour when I'm being hazed by the first year associates at my part time job at the mid-sized firm that I clerk for.  I have no hope of getting above a B minus in tax.  Anybody got a good marital property outline?"

3L - "I can't believe I ever read for class.  The prospect of making my own outlines is as laughable as my chances of landing a federal clerkship.  I don't have a single class without at least one girl who I've slept with.  If you need me, I'll be at The Front Porch or Kenneally's.  I hear there's a 1L social function at Sherlock's on Friday.  I'm so there."