The Decline of American Business and Culture - and - The Extended List of Ojo's Million-Dollar Ideas

These two things actually happened:

1. I recently bought a mountain bike off of Craigslist.  It's a 2002 Trek 8000, which is a really, really good bike.  It retailed for $1,100 brand new.  The owner listed it for $475.  When I showed up to look at it there were two things - it was in nearly mint condition and the pneumatic shocks on the front forks did not hold any air.  I knew from doing some research beforehand that the air can go out of the shocks if the seals dry out, which happens if they sit up for a while without being used.  The owner told me that the bike had been sitting in storage for a couple of years.  I also knew that the problem could also be with the mechanism of the shocks themselves and to replace them could cost 4-500 bucks.  I gambled that it was the simple fix and I offered $350 for the bike because of the issue with the forks.  I was up-front an honest about the problem.  I told the owner, who didn't know much about bikes, that the problem could be a 30-second free fix of just adding some air or it could be a serious problem that would cost several hundred dollars to fix.  The $350 was accepted.  I took the bike to a bike shop near my house.  This is a for-real bike shop.  I went to the service counter and told them that I wanted them to look at the forks to see if they just needed air or if there was a more extensive problem.  I also told them that I wanted to pay for a tuneup, a service they offered for $70.  I thought the check of the forks would be as simple as pumping them with air and putting a gauge on the valve stem to monitor the pressure.  If the pressure goes down then the seals or the fork itself is bad.  I don't think they ever did that test, but I was okay with that because I'd tried to fill them up myself and they didn't hold air.  The guy at the service counter told me that they'd have to order the seal kit, which would take a few days for it to come in.  He didn't offer the price and I didn't ask because I knew he wouldn't know if he had to order it.  Besides, at that point I was in for a penny, in for a pound.  Two weeks pass.  I call the bike shop to inquire about my bike.  The same guy I dealt with told me it would be ready by the weekend.  That was last weekend.  Now it's been three weeks and  I'm getting anxious about it because I've got an off-road triathlon that I'm doing on March 22nd and I'd like to ride the bike a few times to train and get used to it.  I called again earlier in the week.  I've been totally nice about it, even though the guy told me wrong - by a lot - how soon it would be ready.  I also explained why I need it back really soon.  I don't think he believed me that I had a race.  Anyway, I called earlier this week and the guy knew who I was, that I'd been calling and the history of what he'd told me.  He said it would be ready "tomorrow."  "Great," I said.  "See you tomorrow when I get off work."  So I go into the bike shop, this is Tuesday, and go back to the service counter and tell the guy I'm there to pick up my bike.  You can guess what happened next.  He told me that it wasn't ready yet.  I'm pretty pissed, but I know that it is important to stay nice because the asshole route doesn't ever pay dividends.  The guy tells me that he is going to come in early the next morning so he can do my bike and then he goes into a litany of excuses, "short-handed," "customers interrupting," blah, blah, blah.  I really want to tell him - "I don't give a fuck about any of that shit.  That's not my fucking problem.  I need my bike back.  Find a way to get it done!"  Instead, I told the guy that I understood and that I'd be back the next day to pick it up.  So I go in during my lunch hour on Wednesday and I go back to the service counter.  The guy is there and he says that my bike is ready.  He goes to the back and gets it and wheels it out.  I can see that the forks are fully extended so I know they are fixed.  I try to look the bike over a bit, but it's kind of awkward because there are other customers waiting for the service guy and trying to get his attention.  Plus, the guy is uncomfortable because he knows that I'm a borderline dissatisfied customer and he's distracted by the other customers.  I can't really take a hard look to make sure everything has been done.  I ask, almost in passing, if they did the tuneup too and the guy tells me they did.  I notice that there are black smudges on the frame, which were there when I dropped it off, that they didn't clean off.  Cleaning was supposed to be part of the tuneup package but I figured that if that was the only thing they didn't get to then I was alright with it.  Most of the reason has to do with the fact that I'm instinctively nice - I don't want to impose on anyone or make them feel bad.  The other reason is that as an American consumer I am getting sensitized to take what the fuck I get and like it.  Plus, what was I going to do, tell the guy to take the bike back and clean the smudges off the frame?  Am I going to be that guy?  It wasn't a mechanical issue, which is what was most important.  I was done with this place anyway and I just wanted to get out of there.  I would clean the frame myself.  I took my invoice up the cash register to pay.  It was over $200 - $30 for two sets of new seals for the fork, $80 for labor to replace the seals and the $70 for the tuneup.  It was more that I would have liked to have paid, but it was too late to dispute it or anything now.  When I got home I took a harder look at the bike.  As part of the tuneup package they were supposed to adjust the brakes and the derailleurs, clean the grease off of moving parts and lube everything.  I rubbed my fingers on the chain, which was black with old grease, and it was dry as a bone.  They didn't even put any oil on the fucking chain!  They didn't do the tuneup at all!  Fuckers!!!  After all this shit - waiting over three weeks, being lied to multiple times about when it would be ready, making a futile trip over there to pick it up and paying out the ass - they didn't even do the fucking tuneup that I'd paid $70 for!!  Man I was pissed.  The next morning I called the bike shop and talked to the service guy - it's been the same guy from the beginning.  He's supposedly the manager of the service department.  I told the guy who I was and I heard the slightest little reaction come through the receiver.  Either he knew that he'd fucked me and that he was about to pay the piper or he just hated dealing with my overly demanding ass.  And by overly demanding I mean "expects to get what he paid for."  I decided, even after all the shit, to give the guy a chance to save face.  I asked him if I was supposed to bring my bike back in for the tuneup or what because I'd inspected the bike and it hadn't been cleaned and there was no sign of any lubrication anywhere.  Then I asked him point blank if they had done the tuneup.  His response was that he'd sent my bike to the back to where the actual service techs work on the bikes and he'd "hoped" that they were going to do the tuneup in addition to the work on the forks.  Hoping they'd get it done and getting it done are two different things.  So they hadn't done it and the guy was hoping to skate by on the fact that he had plausible deniability and the fact that I probably wouldn't notice.  He told me to bring it back in and they'd turn it around the same day.  I have since taken it back in and picked it back up.  I inspected it again.  I saw oil on the chain, but that's all I could really tell had been done.

2. I went into Home Depot last night to buy some PVC pipe to build a bike stand for my new bike.  I also needed to ask a question of the garden department regarding some palm trees that I'm thinking of buying to use at our wedding reception.  I go over to the garden center and look around for someone wearing an orange apron.  There was no one to be found.  I went back in the store and I saw this tall acne-pocked kid wearing an orange apron standing at a computer terminal.  Having worked at a Home Depot before I knew that there were two departments in the garden area - Inside Garden and Outside Garden.  I also knew that this kid probably worked in Inside Garden and wouldn't be able to answer my question.  (Hell, even if he worked in Outside Garden he probably wouldn't have been able to answer my question.)  I decided to approach him anyway - it was my only option.  So I go up to him and say, "Excuse me, do you work in the garden center?"  He doesn't even turn to look at me and says, "Yeah, hold on a minute."  And then immediately raises a store phone to his face and yells "Famisha!" into it.  I should be used to this kind of treatment by now, but it is still shocking to be treated like shit in any setting.  I think about it for a second and then I tell the kid, "Nevermind," and I start walking off.  I hear him do this "pffft" thing, which, translated, means "you are an overly demanding asshole and I don't respect you."  So I turn to the kid and say, "You know, you don't have to be a rude asshole about it."  To which he responds, "You're the asshole."  So I turn fully around and start walking back toward him and ask, "What did you say? What did you call me?"  He says, "I said that you are one."  I tell him, "We'll see about that."  Then I marched over to the customer service desk to demand to speak to a manager.  That's where I waited while the only employee stayed on the phone, apparently on hold, refusing to look at me, while pretending to help this slack-jawed old ignorant bitch on some inane issue.  As I'm standing there I try to calculate whether it's worth it to pursue.  The longer I stood there the less worth it the pursuit was.  And besides, what was going to happen?  Some tired manager who is totally burned out is going to come out and pretend to care about my problem or some snotty employee?  Is it really going to change anything?  Is this kid going to learn a lesson?  I decided to just go get my shit and get the hell out of there.  At the very least I probably should have gone down the street to Lowe's, but it's the same there.

These two situations lead me to the first of my million-dollar ideas:  The Executive Shopper's Club.  This would be a retail store and service center for a huge array of products.  Outdoor and recreational, appliances, computers and electronics, just about anything, but it would focus on bigger ticket items and things that require at least a little bit of expertise.  This would essentially be the big box retailer of big box retailers.  The customers would have to pay a membership fee, which would be pretty steep - like $1000.  The employees in each section would have to have knowledge and experience with the products.  Our training programs on these products would be extensive.  Even though the stores would be big and industrial-looking, we would have comfortable chairs and free espresso drinks and bottled water.  The customers would be treated like long-lost friends and guests.  I would personally see to it that a culture of customer appreciation was the foundation of the business.  That, and superior knowledge and advice when it came to the products we sold.  These two things, along with literature that we would produce with product information and comparisons, would essentially take all of the risk out of making any large purchase.  We would have an open return policy - no hassle, no bullshit, but there would be a standard restocking fee on items that were resaleable - no exceptions.  We would have an in-store ombudsman to handle customer disputes or problems and a large dedicated staff to deal with these issues.  Customer service in my company wouldn't be a means to an end - profit - it would be a company philosophy built around the idea that if you do the right thing good things will happen and money will come.  Inevitably, you are going to get customers who try to fuck you, and we would let them.  Once.  If a customer didn't agree with the ombudsman's decision (and believe me, the ombudsman is going to be doing what is fair) then we would still give them what they wanted, but they would have to forfeit their membership and would never be allowed to get another one.  Not only would the Executive Shopper's Club become a very prestigious place to buy just about everything - it would be a status symbol to be a member - but it would also represent the all-time best value and shopping experience ever available in the history of the world.  Imagine being able to go into a place and buy something knowing that you are making the best possible purchasing decision that you can make withough question.  That's my vision.

The other million dollar idea I had was related to my bike stand project.  People always use PVC pipe to build things, but that is a purpose for which that product was not meant.  So my idea is to create a product that is meant for that purpose.  It would be like tinker toys for adults.  A few sizes of tubes or rods and the fittings to put them together and maybe even colors.  UV resistant, durable, attractive and extremely versatile.  How has this product not been created already?

Comments

[PC]

You should have waited at Home Depot to get the guy fired. In this economy (especially in a big box store), that guy should be lucky to have a job.

[Snake Diggity]

Have you ever been in Niemann (sp?) Marcus?

Bottom line is, at Home Depot, you're not paying enough to get good customer service. The reason that there's not a Niemann's for home improvement is because rich people pay poor people to do that shit for them; they never step foot in a home improvement place.

I guess maybe your idea could be comparable to like REI or Run-Tex, where most of the people are nice and know wtf they're talking about.

I probably would have punched that kid.

How'd you do in the race?

[Ojo Rojo]

You are right - you don't pay enough at a place like Home Depot to get the level of service I'm talking about. You can't pay a licensed electrician or person with a horticulture degree the same amount as current retail wages. However, the economics of the deal might actually work out in favor of a situation that I've proposed. How much is the aggravation of dealing with little turds like I dealt with worth? How much is it worth to get the right thing the first time or to know that you are getting the best value (purely in terms of product comparison and application) available? If the membership prices are high enough, the retail prices might not even have to be higher than the shitty retailers. Unfortunately, I think what I would probably find is that people suck; that they aren't willing to pay for the level of service and knowledge that I'm offering because they think they deserve those shits for free. People wouldn't recognize the value. They are blinded by price.

I did okay in the race. I suffered. Levels of lactic acid burn pain that I haven't experienced in a while. If fact, I went Kyle Machlachlan in Dune (hand in gom jabbar) - "The PAIN!" - a couple of times. I was the fourth boat out of the water, 3rd solo. I crashed twice on the bike; once in the only mudpuddle on the course. I mean I flew off the bike and landed upside down in the mud. During the run I was begging to die.