Cursed With Ambition

Total Bummer

Texas A&M school for the mentally retarded and those who like to have sex with animals 12, The University of Texas 7

The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass every day, but for the first time in six years the sun shone on Reveille's on Friday.  For UT, it really sucks that the superior team, superior university and superior fans have to listen to the poor Aggies all year after the loss.  "We're back!" they'll say.  "Beat the defending national champs at home!" they'll say.  "Bevo's ass shur is lookin' good!" they'll say.  I just can't bear it.

Here's why UT lost the game:  1.  We went for it on fourth down and one in the first quarter instead of kicking the field goal.  Granted, there was no way to know that the game was going to be so low scoring, but still.  And if Henry fucking Melton with his 270 lb. tailback ass can't get 1 fucking yard he needs to be moved to defensive end.  The dude is a total disappointment.  2.  We got cornholed on a pass interference call on Limas Sweed that obliterated an awesome touchdown catch.  The replay was absolutely clear - there was no foul.  If anything it was defensive pass interference.  We got totally fucked on the call and it, among other things, cost us the game because Colt threw one of his THREE interceptions two plays later.  3.  The UT defense that showed up on Friday was the "Little Sisters of the Poor" version who couldn't stop the option.  The fucking option!!  I learned how to stop the option without fail every time when I was in high school.  For all UT defensive coaches out there, here it is:  You assign one guy to take the quarterback and one guy to take the option back.  The guy to take the quarterback will be a defensive end or outside linebacker.  They guy who takes the pitch man will be a corner or safety.  Even if the pitch man does not have the ball, the defender assigned to him should totally disregard the QB, run up and knock the ever loving shit out of the pitch man whether he has the ball or not.  Plant his ass on the ground.  There is no penalty for that.  The best part is that the pitch man won't be expecting to get hit since he doesn't have the ball yet and the defender can make a monster hit.  Then the option is no longer an option and becomes a bootleg.  Hopefully the defender assigned to the quarterback is there to make the tackle.  If not, the pursuit should stretch the play or end in a gang tackle of the quarterback.  The option does not work in the pros.  No pro team runs it.  There's a reason for that.  It should never, ever work on any level if defended properly.  The key to the whole thing is that the defender who takes the pitch man should never, under any circumstances, try to make a play on the QB.  Just knock the shit out of the pitch man.  That's it.  4.  Colt McCoy was playing hurt.  He didn't look right out there.  He was shaky.

Anyway, now the season is a disappointment.  I guess we'll go to the Cotton Bowl or Holiday Bowl or some shit.  I hope we win our bowl game just so that things don't get any worse, but right now I'm just forlorn so I don't even really give a shit.

*I'm still having the problem of the comment page not loading on my computer.  Anyone have any ideas here?  Tom?  James?

**Coming off of Thanksgiving and all I should mention that I have a ton of things to be thankful for:  my family, my GF, my health, my friends, my job and many, many other things.  I'm a pretty lucky dude.

Housekeeping, Consumer Advocacy and Anal Rape

Housekeeping: 

1. For reasons that escape me, I haven't been able to comment on any Typepad blogs lately.  The comment pages haven't been loading fully on my computer.  I haven't had a chance to look into the reasons why.  If any of you tech-savvy people out there have any ideas, I'm all eyes.
2. Posting my Texas Bar Number represents no risk whatsoever.  The number in already public.  Believe me, I made sure before posting it.  Now the double secret lawyer password and handshake on the other hand...
3. Reports of me being a bigshot lawyer are greatly exaggerated.  My roommate (who is a bigshot lawyer) hired the maid(s) mentioned in the previous post of his own volition.  It is only the second time that we've had a maid service clean our place and neither time did I pay for it.  So I was an incidental beneficiary.  That said, if you've never experienced having someone else, who is not a sigoth, clean your house for you, I highly recommend the experience.  And unless Bush, the Minutemen and people from Farmers Branch get their way, maid service will continue to be very reasonable. (And no Matt, I'm not talking exploitive level slave wages.)
4. Another reason that I'm not a bigshot lawyer:  One of my recent tasks as ranking low man on the totem pole at the firm was to negotiate down a five figure veterinarian bill incurred by one of our clients.  That's another story that prudence and the Model Rules of Professional Conduct suggest I shouldn't go into here.  Nevertheless, not exactly the kind of thing bigshot lawyers find themselves doing.

Consumer Advocacy:

1. In the past couple of weeks I have been dicked by 2 retailers' Machiavellian refund policies, nearly charged $80 for an oil change and had a bank conceal the fact that I missed a payment on my auto loan several months back so that they can continue to charge me a late fee every month.  And that's just in the past 2 weeks.  I am sick and tired of getting screwed or taken advantage of nearly every time I purchase goods or services.  So, I'm thinking of joining or creating a consumer advocacy group.  I'm also thinking about holding myself out as a consumer rights lawyer so that I can make it my mission in life to fight back.
2. Clarification:  I'm anti-consumerism, pro-consumer.
3. The following businesses are not to be trusted or patronized:  MicroCenter located at 1717 West Loop Drive, Houston, Texas 77027; Wells Fargo Bank (all loctions); Kwik Kar Oil & Lube, 3404 S Shepherd Dr., Houston, Texas 77098.  Academy is on a razor thin edge for their refund/exchange policy as well.
4. The following businesses I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire:  any towing company that tows cars without being called by the owner of the vehicle (these are the vilest, most dispicable parasites on society ever to waste oxygen) and any credit card company (how many people have they driven to suicide by their draconian terms?).  Furthermore, they are subsidized by the government.  Houston's Safeclear program is the worst example of government in action I've ever seen.
5. I don't consider myself a malcontent but I'm pretty much dissatisfied with almost every company I come into contact with.  Cell phone companies, insurance companies, hospitals, utility companies, cable companies, etc. etc. etc. They've all screwed me at one time or another and I'm sure I'm not alone.  I resent every check I've ever written to them.  These companies do little to veil their profit priority and slash customer service and value first.  As consumers, we're backed into a corner because we need or want what they offer and every player in the market is engaging in the same anti-customer practices.  Individuals can do little, but groups can hit them where it hurts them the most - the bottom line - by refusing to patronize these businesses. 

Anal Rape:

1. There's really nothing about anal rape.  It was just a device to get you to read all the way to the bottom.  Sorry.

Not Overrated

Maids are not overrated.  Ojo recommends them.

*Understand, I don't have a maid.  In fact I've only experienced the pleasure of having a maid twice in my life.  Yesterday was the second time.  It ruled.

24056381

24056381 is my new favorite number.  24056381 is my Texas Bar Number.  I attended the statewide swearing in ceremony at the Frank Erwin Center in Austin yesterday and picked up my bar card and law license.  I didn't really care about the ceremony since I'd already been sworn in but now I wish I had taken it more seriously.  When the Chief Justice of the Texas Supreme Court, Wallace Jefferson, issued the oath the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.  I was standing by my best friend from law school - it made me feel good to know that we had helped each other get to that point.  And I was surrounded by many of my friends from law school and hundreds of other people from other schools who just got through fighting the same fight as me.  It was a good moment.  It truly was the culmination of over 3 years of stressful hard work in law school, 3 months of hell preparing for and taking the bar exam, another 3 months sweating the results.  In reality, yesterday was the capstone of approximately 21 years of education. 

So now it's 100% official.  I graduated law school, passed the bar, paid my fees and now I have a Texas Bar Card and Law License. 

I'm a lawyer in the State of Texas.

And last night I slept with my Bar Card.  It's gold and shiny and it has my name on it.  I put it on a little satin pillow next to my head.

The Curse of the Anti-Victory

One of the greatest anomalies ever in sport occurred at UT between 1997-2000.  The thing is, this event went unnoticed.  Unnoticed except by me.  This cosmic event is known as the Anti-Victory. 

You remember that Shyamalan movie Sixth Sense right?  Where Haley Joel Osment's character could see dead people?  Well, that's the way it was with me and the Anti-Victory.  Everyone else in the world was blind to it - except for me.  People started to think I was insane the way I would rant and rave about this "Anti-Victory."  Only a few came to believe that it really existed:  my brother Snake Dogg, my brother llogg and my blogless cousin Robb.  Even then, it took them a long time to realize that the horror of the Anti-Victory was true.  So what is the Anti-Victory?  It is a swirling negative cosmic force surrounding a human being named Joe Walker.  Joe Walker is the Anti-Victory.  The Anti-Victory is Joe Walker.  Joe Walker singlehandedly caused UT to lose at least 5 games, probably more.  He is certainly the worst player ever at the University of Texas and probably the all time worst player ever.  E-VER.  His presence on the field guaranteed a loss.  His presence on the sideline had a similar effect.  His presence on Earth cost John Mackovic his job and nearly forestalled the upgrades to DKR Memorial Stadium, Ricky staying his senior year and the recruitment of Vince Young the Almighty.  Even his number, 17, has a negative effect on the outcome of games.  I think they should burn all #17 jerseys, never issue it again and eliminate the 17th floor of all buildings on the UT campus, just like they do for the 13th floor on some tall buildings.  Just go from the 16th to the 18th.

They don't keep stats on negative categories like missed tackles, interceptions thrown that were run back for touchdowns (Chris Simms would hold this record), missed blocks or passes completed against.  But I guarantee you, if there were stats for categories like these, Joe Walker would be an astounding statistical phenomenon.  His completion against percentage would approach 1.000.  Remember the embarrassing 66-3 loss to UCLA in 1997?  Joe Walker was torched for 42 of those points.  The K-State game in '98?  All Anti-Victory.  The Stanford game in 2000?  Joe Walker had just come in the game when starting safety Lee Jackson went down with a pulled hamstring and promptly gave up the winning touchdown.  I don't want to believe it, but the evidence is stark.

I found out yesterday that Joe Walker is a member of the coaching staff at UT.  His actual job description is vague but what he actually does makes no difference.  His mere presence is going to bring down the program.  Someone needs to take notice of this.  Last year's success, even with Joe Walker's presence, must be attributed to the Anti-Anti-Victory super cosmic mojo of VY.  Now that the counteracting effects of VY are no longer with us, the Anti-Victory has tilted the balance.  Evidence:  K-State's 45-42 win over UT and the terrible play of the secondary not only in this game but the entire year.  The trademark Joe Walker "torched and chasing" move has been seen in UT games throughout the year.  Now I know why.

Here is my plea:  Mack Brown, Cleve Bryant, Gene Chizik, Duane Akina - please get that motherfucker out of there!!  Right now!!  Set the universe back in balance and UT on its winning ways!  You need a sacrificial lamb right now anyway for the loss.  Who better than this...this cancer?  Please!  I'm begging you!  For the sake of the program, the team and Longhorn fans everywhere - release the Anti-Victory!!!!!!!!

On the Game Itself

I've seen fewer mistakes in a Nazareth Academy junior high football game.  Blown coverages, untimely penalties, allowing blocked punts and a huge punt return, kickoffs out of bounds, fumbles, dropped passes and interceptions, inaccurate throws, running into sacks - you name it. 

Here's what happened: 

1. The entire team got flustered with Colt went down.  They lost focus as a team and committed the above-mentioned mistakes.
2. Jevan wasn't ready.  He didn't lose the game, but he didn't win it either.  He completed way less than 50% of his passes, didn't throw the ball away to avoid sacks and he screwed his offensive linemen by running into sacks.  Everyone is on Jevan's nuts right now, but I was disappointed.
3. When Colt went down we needed the defense to win the game for us.  They totally blew it.  The secondary is a disaster.  (Now we know why - see above.)
4. These players need to have their scholarships revoked:  Jermichael Finley, Marcus Griffin, Ryan Palmer, Hunter Lawrence, Neal Tweedie and Brandon Foster.
5. Props to Michael Griffin, Billy Pittman, Kasey Studdard, Scott Derry, Quan Cosby and Jordan Shipley for playing well enough to win.

Lastly, on the second to last play of the game K-State had the ball with :53 to play on the UT 38 yard line.  The clock was stopped.  It was 3rd and 6.  They threw a screen to the flat and the guy was tackled short of the first down line.  The referee gave K-State a Mother Theresa spot and the head official waved the chains forward.  Then the official who made the spot moved the fucking ball back a half yard.   Granted, the correct spot would have been close and would have required a measurement, but the officials totally fucked this up.  We replayed it a dozen times and it looked like they were at least a half yard shy.  Had the refs gotten it right and K-State had not gotten the first down it would have been 4th and one with about 45 seconds to play.  If they go for it and get it the game's over.  If they punt or go for it and don't get it UT gets at least one or two offensive plays.  In the long run it didn't matter much, but UT got doinked and the officials snuffed our last gasp.

Top Stories in the Ojo Rojo Daily Times of the Past Week

November 1, 2006

Ojo Learns Bar Exam Rumor:  Results Coming Out Day Early

By Ojo Rojo
Flatlander Press

GANADO, TX — During his return trip to Houston from a funeral in Port O'Connor, Ojo received word that the Texas bar exam results would be coming out tomorrow, a day earlier than originally reported.  His asshole immediately puckered.  Cold sweats and a sleepless night ensued.

November 2, 2006

Ojo Learns of Texas Bar Exam Passage, Creams Pants

By Ojo Rojo

Flatlander Press

HOUSTON - In a jubilant but potentially embarrassing episode Thursday afternoon, Ojo Rojo learned that he passed the Texas Bar Exam and then jizzed in his pants.  He fibbed to office workers that the conspicuous wet stain on his crotch was a coffee stain, but he confided in this reporter, "I don't even care that I'm all sticky down there.  I passed the fuckin' bar exam!!"  As it happened, Ojo was on the phone with his girlfriend when the results were posted on the Board of Law Examiners website at approximately 3pm.  It is unclear whether the jizzing had anything to do with the girlfriend or their conversation.  Ojo claims that she had called to find out whether the results had been posted yet.  He had been clicking on the BLE link every 4-5 seconds since 10am, but at the very moment his girlfriend asked him about the results, he clicked once more and the results appeared.  An inspection of the hit counter at the bottom of the screen revealed that he was the 47th person to view the results.  The hit counter showed that hopeful examinees were clicking to the site at a rate of approximately 200 per second at peak hours during the day.  Ojo quickly scanned to "S" section to find his name - AND IT WAS THERE!!!  He immediately proclaimed in a near-scream to his coworkers, "I PASSED!!"  Ojo's girlfriend lavished praise.  He then sent out an email to everyone in his email address book letting them know the results.  A flurry of phone calls from fellow examinees and congratulatory emails from ecstatic family members ensued.

The celebration was tempered, however, by the fact that Ojo's pal, AllBilly had come up short.  Ojo was quoted as saying, "Next to myself, the one person who I wanted to pass was Billy.  He's had a an unbelievably tough go of it this year.  He worked just as hard as anybody else and he deserved to pass."

Despite the somber news about his friend, Ojo trudged onward toward revelry.  A group of happy examinees met at a bar in midtown Houston, traded bar exam war stories and downed pitchers of beer.  Ojo's consumption was unusually moderated as he had a court appearance the following morning.

November 3, 2006

Ojo Rojo Sworn Into Legal Brotherhood

Attorney Shares Early Secret

By Ojo Rojo

Flatlander Press

RICHMOND, TX - In a hastily put together ceremony, Ojo Rojo was sworn into the legal profession by Judge Brady Elliott of the 268th District Court on Friday morning.  The swearing-in had an inauspicious beginning when the good judge had trouble locating the oath.  After finding it in the Government Code, the judge administered the oath to Ojo in front of a courtroom full of practicing attorneys, who applauded at the conclusion of the oath.  Several members of the bar offered congratulations.  One asked whether he'd celebrated the night before.  Ojo replied, "I had to keep a lid on it because of the hearing this morning."  The lawyer responded, "That's okay.  You'll learn how to play hurt."  Ojo believes he is going to love this profession.