Cursed With Ambition

Favorite Words for Intoxicated (In no particular order.)

1. Tight - "We all danced and got gloriously tight."  Think Gatsby.
2. Wasted - "Dude, we were so fucking wasted!"  Probably the first term used for "drunk" in high school.  Novice term.  Still widely used by the unsophisticated drinkers in college and beyond.
3. Twisted - Edgier that wasted.  Same context.
4. Shit-Faced - How did this term come about?  Funny visual.
5. Shit-Housed - This one I don't like at all because it doesn't make any sense.  What is a shit house?  Same thing happened between "shit load" and "butt load."  A shit load refers to a load of manure hauled in agricultural settings for fertilizer.    Usually a dump truck load or more (see Back to the Future scene).  Means a lot or very much.  Butt load doesn't make any sense because you just can't have a very big load in a butt.  At least not compared to a shit load.
6. Fucked Up - Universal.  Gotta love the venerable all purpose F word.
7. Lit - Like a candle or light bulb or firework.  Mediocre 90's band cribbed the name.
8. Inebriated - sophisticated, scientific.
9. Crunk - Li'l John brought this to the collective consciousness.  Not sure of origins other than simply ghetto slang or hip hop.  Sim. to "gat" (gun), "gank" (steal).
10. Drunk - Boring.  With so many options, who would simply say, "Man, I got really drunk"?
11. Gone-di - Like gone, except with a little Gandhi thrown in.
12. Blitzed - Like David Carr.
13. Smashed - Self flagellation with alcohol.  You'll pay for it in the morning.
14. Hammered - see "Smashed" above.
15. Pie-eyed - Don't know the origins.  Turn of the century slang.
16. Sauced - Stewing in it.  Bwwaaaaaaahhh.

Post 3L Job Hunting

Here's what they tell you about finding a job as an attorney:

1. Bid for employers you want to work for during OCI.
2. Receive interview notices from employers.
3. Send notices to employers who you don't care to work for (your "safety" bids) that you will not be interviewing with them.
4. Interview with pared down list of selected employers.
5. Receive offers in 2-3 weeks from several employers.
6. Pick 2 employers to split 2L summer clerking.
7. Clerk during 2L summer.
8. Receive offer in 3L fall semester.
9. Accept offer.
10. Begin working after bar exam at full level of attorney compensation. (Now at $140K for firms with 100+ attorneys.)

What really happens:

1. Bid for every fucking employer who signs on to OCI.
2. Get a few (very few) interviews mostly with plaintiff's firms or really small firms or other firms who pick you to interview just to fill in all of their time slots.  You don't know this at the time, but you have about the same chance of becoming a U.S. Supreme Court Justice as you do getting a job with these firms.
3. Go to the interviews.  Try really hard to do well - research the firm and the interviewers (where they went to law school, their practice areas, some law review article they wrote in law school) only to have a couple of replacement first year associates (who you know nothing about) from the firm interview you instead.
4. Get exactly zero offers.
5. Finish law school and take the bar exam with no job prospects.
6. After the bar, scramble like mad to get a job, any job, preferrably in the legal field.  Troll the online job banks for leads.  Send your resume along with the hundreds of others from grads just like you who are equally desperate (and who probably have better grades).
7. Run out of money and get job at REI or Star Pizza.
8. Get bar results - you pass.
9. Send out hundreds of resumes and cover letters to every firm you can find on Martindale regardless of location, size or practice area.  Winnemucca, Nevada firm specializing in casino licensing?  Fuckin' A!!  Lawton, Oklahoma firm that does mostly Indian elder law?  Hell yes!!  IP firm who has never hired anyone without an engineering degree or a law degree from one of the Ivies?  I'm fuckin' applyin'!
10. Who know what happens next?

Why the career resources offices at law schools aren't honest about this process is beyond me.  What's wrong with the truth?  Are they afraid that if they give us an accurate picture of the job market then we'll drop out and they won't get our tuition anymore?  Do they simply not know the true situation?  Are they "glass half full" people?  Yet, every year, the statistics put out by the career services offices paint quite the rosy picture:  97% of graduates have a job within 9mos. of graduation.  Their information on job type and salary ranges look equally swell.  So what gives? 

The prescribed job-finding process at law schools does work if you are part of the academic elite (top 5-10%) or if you went to a top-20 law school or if you have something special on your resume that makes you imminently hireable (double E degree).  The people who fit that criteria only account for maybe a quarter of all law grads in the country every year, if that many.  The other 75%, or more, of graduates are left stumbling in the dark.  This, my friends, is bullshit.

I fear no truth.  Just fucking give it to me.

Meme-ish

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship?

Conservative Judaism

2. When was the last time you shaved?

This morning

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?

Struggling to get out of bed.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?

Checking my email.

5. Are you any good at math?

Better than average, but it's not a strength.

6. What did you do on your prom night?

Senior prom - Queen was my date. Went to Old Victoria restaurant but had to leave before meal was served to get Queenie to the coronation on time (I was a duke or a prince or a jester or some shit but I didn't care too much about getting there on time but she did.) Made it on time. About an hour later the restaurant called the school trying to find us to come back and pay for the food we'd ordered. I went back and paid. They gave us the food in to go containers and I dropped one putting it into a bag and it went all over the floor. Went back to dance. Left dance shortly after to go to party I was hosting in POC. Stayed sober while everyone arrived. Decided things were under control so I started drinking heavily. By end of night I'm certain that I would've blown about a .5. Seriously. Was still completely fucking hammered at 6pm the next day. Was too drunk to make out with Queenie.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?

Grandparents claim Robert E. Lee, Julius Caesar. I call bullshit.

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?

Uh-huh. Thanks for reminding me.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?

No song on my myspace profile

10. Last thing received in the mail?

A book entitled "Life on Matagorda Island" by Dr. Wayne H. McAlister. Sent to me from the GF as a gift. (She rules.)

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?

2 - milk, coffee

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?

Yeah. I think it's rude not to.

13. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?

B-52's/Violent Femmes

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?

Yes, but I prefer to trace my name in the bioluminescent water at night.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?

Root canal. Inept dentist failed to completely deaden nerves that he was ripping out.

16. What is out your back door?

Balcony, parking lot, shrubs, neighboring apartment complex.

17. Any plans for Friday night?

Prolly going to Austin to see the GF when she gets back from Costa Rica

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?

Hair very short now. Little to no effect.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn?

Once, I think. The shit was stale and terrible.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?

Yes. As a kid. In Houston. Something about constellations?

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?

I prolly use a towel 15-20 times before retiring it to the hamper.

22. Some things you are excited about?

Seeing GF. Reading my new book about Matagorda Island. College football season.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?

Cherry

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?

No. Last one died when I was like 2.

25. Describe your key chain:

Small red REI carabiner, Kroger Plus card, Houston Gym membership card, keys.

26. Where do you keep your change?

Clay jar I got in Oaxaca.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?

Saturday August 12th at my grandfather's 85th birthday party.

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?

Eddie Bauer brown ranch-looking, insulated.

29. What was the weather like on your high school graduation day?

Clear, hot, muggy.

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?

I have a roommate, so closed.  Basic privacy considerations.

Why Lawyers Have a Bad Reputation

Overheard in the conference room next to my office:

Lawyer 1:  (In all seriousness)  "So how much is an old dead black man worth?"*1

Lawyer 2:  "Well, uh, I mean, I don't know, you know?  I'd have to know how old, how many kids..."

Lawyer 1:  "67.  3 grown kids.  So how much do you think?"

Lawyer 2:  "Well, uh, I don't know - four hundred fifty thousand."

Lawyer 3:  "I'm more conservative than that - between three hundred and three fifty."

Lawyer 1:  "Yeah, I knew it would come in below half a million."

*Questions like this are thrown around between trial lawyers all the time.  Knowing how to value a case is one of the primary skills of a litigator.  There are publications and other resources that inform lawyers on the value of a case, but word of mouth and instinct still drive a lot of settlement agreements.

1 You thought this was going to be a racist joke, didn't you?

Fall From Grace

Has there ever been a more disastrous fall from grace than Maurice Clarett?

Best Week Ever

So the Bar Exam ended on Thursday, July 27th at around 4:15.  Easily Top 5 worst experiences of my life.  I was at a bar in MidTown by 4:30.  I stayed at the bars with my fellow "applicants" until they cried out, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!!"

Friday morning I got up and nursed my hangover for a couple of hours, packed my bags and headed out for Port O'Connor.  I spent an entire week down there, mostly by myself.  The GF and parentals were there on the weekend and that was cool except for the part were my dad starting screaming at me while I was driving his boat and trailer around when the bearings on one side of the trailer went out and the wheel almost fell off.  He and I spent some time fixing that on Saturday, which blew my plans to take the GF to the beach.  After they left on Sunday I was alone.  I spent the rest of the week working on the house and fishing, cracking my first beer by 10am on most days.  I took lots of afternoon naps, slept great at night and hardly thought about the bar exam at all.

Wednesday night at one of the local dives I ran into an aquaintance who had driven in from Victoria that afternoon to fish.  He and I bullshitted for a while and then he invited me over to his GF's parents' place where we stayed up too late and drank too much.  He invited me to go out fishing with him the next afternoon.  Thursday he picked me up around 4:30 and we headed out.  We got to the fishing spot and hadn't been fishing for 20 minutes when something grabbed my line and took off.  Immediately I knew it was big.  It kept running and running and I couldn't slow it down.  Right then the other rod that I was fishing bent over and I grabbed it with my other hand and jerked back.  I handed the second rod to my friend and he reeled in a keeper trout.  I fought my fish for about 45 minutes, worried the whole time that it was going to break my line.  I wanted so badly just to see what it was.  I would get it up close to the boat but we could barely make out the fish through the murky water and still couldn't tell what it was before it went on another run.  It circled the boat about ten times.  At one point it swam under the anchor line and I had to pass the rod under it.  While I was doing that I slipped on a landing net on the deck and nearly fell overboard - that was dicey.  Eventually I wore that fish out and finally brought it up close enough to see - it was a jack crevalle, or jackfish for short.  They are worthless for food and generally are only caught out in the Gulf.  But they do occasionally come into the bays and give some light tackle fisherman a thrill.  I lifted it up in the water next to the boat and my friend netted it and set it down on the deck.  We were both amazed at how big it was.  I figured it was between 40-50lbs.  We snapped a couple of pictures on our camera phones and then I held the fish in the water for a few minutes dragging it back and forth to force water through its gills to revive it.  When I felt the tail start to thrash a little I turned it loose and it swam away.  It was the big fish story of the summer for me and made the trip special.

I fished with a couple of my younger cousins the next day and went out by myself early Friday morning.  I didn't have much luck with the fish but I did enjoy the hell out of myself just being out on the water.

I saw a TV only once during the week and caught the Weather Channel showing Tropical Storm Chris before it hit Cuba.  I'm glad it dissipated because I really didn't want a hurricane with my namesake to wipe out POC.  Anyway, I was totally rejuvenated by my week at the coast and now I'm back at work.  Things are a mess at my job but I should be in high spirits depite that until at least November 3rd (when the bar results come back).