Cursed With Ambition

Consolidating the Frustration

Ojo clicks through endless dead-end links on countless websites searching the best federal student loan consolidation deals. All contain provisions like "A weighted average interest rate for the deferment period of the federal statutory rate minus 1% if you sign up for electronic payments. Additional incentives for 36 timely payments." Or, "Consolidation will not advance the deferment period until 90 days after your graduation date. Forbearance available for those who qualify. Interest rates variable during the forbearance period." Ojo simply wants to know how much and for how long. Ends up on www.fuckthisshit.com Ojo decides to call the companies whose websites are shit.

Ojo, dialing.
Automated telecom system: "Hello, thank you for calling the Graduate Loan Consolidation Hotline. For English press 1, para Espanol marque numero dos."
Ojo pushes 1 for English.
Automated telecom system: "Gracias para llamada el Graduate Loan Consolidation Hotline. Si usted tiene un préstamo existente aprieta uno."
Ojo: "Fuck." Hangs up and dials again.
Automated telecom system: "Hello, thank you for calling the Graduate Loan Consolidation Hotline. For English press 1, para Espanol marque numero dos."
Ojo pushes 1 for English.
Automated telecom system: "Please listen closely to the following options as our menu options have changed. To check on the status of an application, press one. To apply for a consolidation loan press two. To calculate your monthly payment press three. To request a deferment press four. To inquire about other services press five."
Ojo presses two.
Automated telecom system: "Please enter your nine digit social security number."
Ojo presses 456-XX-XXXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "We're sorry, we didn't understand your response. Please enter your nine digit social security number."
Ojo presses 456-XX-XXXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "Please enter your zip code."
Ojo presses 77XXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "Please enter your telephone number area code first."
Ojo enters 713-XXX-XXXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "Please wait while we verify your information."
Ojo waits.
Ojo waits.
Automated telecom system: "We're sorry. We do not have your information on file."
Ojo thinks, "Of course you don't have my fucking information on file because I haven't given you any of my information yet. But Ojo waits. Hears clicking noises.
Automated telecom system: "Please listen closely to the following options as our menu options have changed. To check on the status of an application, press one. To apply for a consolidation loan press two. To calculate your monthly payment press three. To request a deferment press four. To inquire about other services press five."
Ojo: "Cocksucker!"
Ojo presses zero in hopes of getting an operator.
Ojo waits.
Automated telecom system: "That menu option is not available. To check on the status of an application, press one. To apply for a consolidation loan press two. To calculate your monthly payment press three. To request a deferment press four. To inquire about other services press five."
Ojo presses nine in hopes of getting an operator.
Automated telecom system: "That menu option is not available. Please select from the following options: To check on the status of an application, press one. To apply for a consolidation loan press two. To calculate your monthly payment press three. To request a deferment press four. To inquire about other services press five."
Ojo presses two.
Automated telecom system: "Please enter your nine digit social security number."
Ojo presses 456-XX-XXXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "Please enter your zip code."
Ojo presses 77XXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "Please enter your telephone number area code first."
Ojo enters 713-XXX-XXXX. Waits.
Automated telecom system: "Please wait while we verify your information."
Ojo waits.
Ojo waits.
Automated telecom system: "We're sorry. We do not have your information on file."
Ojo presses zero fifteen times while shouting "Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!!"
Automated telecom system: "We're sorry. That is not a valid menu option. Thank you for calling. Goodbye."
Ojo seethes at the sweetness with which the automated voice said goodbye.

Ojo dials second loan consolidation company's customer service line while contemplating spending the rest of his life paying usurious interest on huge student loans until he is 90 years old because of a government plot to prevent the consolidation of those loans by using circularfuck automated telecom systems.

Ojo's thoughts drift to playing bocce in the sand dunes on Matagorda Island with a beer in one hand, cigarette in the other. Frustration and anger dissipate.

Automated telecom system no. 2: "Hello, thank you for calling the Loan Consolidation Depot. For English press 1, para Espanol marque numero dos...

Deep In It

QUESTION 139

Stuebing and his friends Mychal, Horace and Dante, whom he had not seen in a long time, went to a 21-and over bar to reminisce. They were at the bar for over four hours and drank an average of three drinks in an hour. Stuebing was known to have had the lowest tolerance of all of the friends when they were in college but had gone to work for a liquor distributor and was known to drink quite often with the various sales representatives of the liquor companies for whom his company distributed. Right before the friends were about to leave, Stuebing met Virginia outside of the restrooms, which were near the back door to the bar. The back door was normally locked but the lock had been broken for several weeks. Some local teenagers, who were too young to enter the bar, had discovered this fact and would sometimes sneak into the bar. Stuebing and Virginia hit it off. Stuebing thought Virginia looked younger than 21 but figured that she had to be at least 21 since she was in the bar. A bouncer at the front door had checked everyone's ID, including Stuebing's, upon entering the bar. Stuebing did not know of the broken lock on the back door. Stuebing's friends saw him talking with Virginia and when he returned to their booth they teased him about it. Dante especially was making comments about Stuebing "robbing the cradle." Unbeknownst to Stuebing, Dante had a daughter in high school who was friends with Virginia. Stuebing's friends decided to leave but Stuebing told them that he wanted to stay at the bar a little while longer. His friends suspected that he wanted to stay and talk more with Virginia but they did not confirm this. In fact, that was exactly why Stuebing wanted to stay. As soon as his friends left, Stuebing found Virginia and struck up a conversation. They had several drinks and then the bar was closing so they had to leave. Stuebing invited Virginia back to his house because his wife and children were away on a weekend vacation. Stuebing and Virginia had sexual intercourse. The next morning, Stuebing saw the contents of Virginia's purse, which had spilled out on the floor of his bedroom. Among the contents was her driver's license which showed that she was 16 years old. The driver's license had expired two months ago. Mychal, Horace and Dante had met for a very large dinner before meeting up with Stuebing at the bar. Stuebing did not have dinner because he was sampling some new liquors at work before meeting his friends. Virginia had snuck into the bar through the back door.

If Stuebing is prosecuted for statutory rape, which of the following is the BEST argument that he could make in his defense?

A. He was severely intoxicated because he had not had any dinner and had been drinking before meeting his friends and because he had actually comsumed fifteen drinks at the bar and Dante should have told him how old Virginia really was.
B. He was correct to assume that Virginia was beyond the age of majority because she was in the 21-and over bar and he could not have known that the back door was broken.
C. He was justified in having sexual intercourse with Virginia, regardless of her age, because she was very attractive and Miller brewing company's new "Man Laws" ad campaign, which he was very familiar with through his job, trumped the statutory rape laws of the state where these event occurred.
D. Stuebing would not have had sexual intercourse with Virginia because he is a homosexual as evidenced by the fact that he and his friends were sitting at a booth in the bar and because one of his friends spelled his name M-y-c-h-a-l.
E. That Virginia was menstruating on the night in question and Stuebing can offer habit evidence of the fact that he never has sex with his wife when she is menstruating if his wife does not invoke the marital privilege against testifying.

The U.S. Blows at Soccer

Ghana 2, U.S.A 1

U.S.A. Eliminated in first round of World Cup.

It's ironic that the U.S. is THE global superpower, driven by competition, yet we totally suck at THE global sport. I didn't see the first game against the Czech Republic but the Czechs were not highly regarded and they blew us out 3-0. Disgraceful. I did watch the U.S.-Italy game and our guys played their hearts out to earn the tie (albeit on an own-goal by the Italians) and stay alive to advance. The game against Ghana today was supposed to be won by the U.S. but unfortunately the United States sucks at soccer. First, Claudio Reyna, one of our veterans, twists his knee or something and loses the ball to a Ghanan player right by our own goal and our goalkeeper was helpless to stop the shot. Next, the U.S. actually put together a quality strike for their first (and only) real goal of the World Cup when Demarcus Beasley stole the ball on Ghana's end of the field, sprinted toward the goal with the ball and made a perfect crossing pass to the onrushing Clint Dempsey who put the ball in the back of the net easily. Then, the referee called Oguchi Onyewu for a foul in the box resulting in a penalty, which Ghana converted for the last score of the game.

I like international sports and I like soccer but there are a few things that REALLY piss me off about the game.

First, the dramatic falls and fake agony to try to draw penalties is fucking sickening. Everytime somebody loses a header or gets beat on the dribble they fall to the ground and hold their ankle or knee and writhe on the ground screaming. The replay clearly shows that there was NO contact whatsoever, yet this pussy is writhing on the ground like somebody mashed his scrote with their cleats. Bitch, please!! They also lay on the ground faking injury to waste time or to give their team time to get back into position or catch their breath. Fuck that. It's cheating plain and simple. But what is even more appalling is that the referees buy this shit!! They're calling fouls based on how good somebody can feign injury. They hand out yellow cards for ticky-tack fouls and players end up getting red-carded or have to sit out the next game in some cases. Ridiculous. Even the commentators have remarked how the refs are handing out way too many cards. That may have cost us the game against Italy when one of our players got his second yellow card and had to sit, putting the U.S. a man down with a lot of time left. In the Ghana game a total bullshit foul against Onyewu in the box cost us a goal directly and changed the complexion of the game.

The other thing I don't like is that ties are considered wonderful. That's just un-American. I suppose it's okay for the first round, but still.

Most Americans bitch about soccer because of the low scores (or because they're small-minded xenophobes who fear change and feel the need to challenge the rest of the world to games of American football). The low scores don't bother me. There's plenty to get excited about during the course of the game. It's not all about scoring. Every penetration or set piece has a chance to score - that's exciting to watch.

Bottom line is that soccer is not the main sport in our country. Football is. Our best athletes are not on the soccer field like they are in almost every other country in the world. Until that changes, our World Cup fate is not likely to change either. So, here's my answer: VY. My front line strikers would be Vince Young and Michael Vick. I'd have Terrell Owens and Andre Johnson playing midfielders. Tony Gonzales and Antonio Gates as the back line defensive players. Throw in John Lynch and Brian Urlacher and maybe Champ Bailey, Reggie Bush and Santana Moss. Wouldn't really even need a goalie or a coach. Although just for show we could put Shaq in the goal and Pat Riley on the bench. The rest of the world wouldn't stand a chance.

Note: Ronaldinho means 'small penis' in Portuguese.

Recommended: Whiskeytown

Anti-Summer

I think the bar exam is the method by which practicing lawyers and professors crush whatever of our pre-law school souls is remaining after 3 years of bluebooks, 4-inch thick federal income tax codes, and that C you got after reading every case all semester and studying over 72 hours for your final exam.

The bar exam is the 500 lb. gorilla in the room that nobody wants to talk about.  It's that putrid fart in the room that everyone pretends they don't smell.  It's a big hairy wart on the end of someone's nose that you try not to stare at when you look at them.

The worst part is the guilt of not complying with the Barbri study regimen and the fear of actually failing and having to do this all over again.

Here are some of the things that I am not able to enjoy because the bar exam is ruining my life:

1. The taste of beer.
2. Summertime.
3. Fishing in POC.
4. Being in POC.
5. Talking on the phone with my friends.
6. The taste of food.
7. The sound of birds chirping.
8. The stars.
9. Music.
10. Working out.
11. Being tan from the time I spent not enjoying fishing and being in POC.
12. Watching World Cup games.
13. Reading for leisure.
14. Solid bowel movements.
15. Planning trips.

Freak

Yesterday's Barbri lecturer, Erwin Chemerinsky, gave a six hour marathon session on Constitutional Law. As with all of the other lecturers, he wrote the Con Law outline in our Barbri lecture guide that we follow along with during the session. 6 hours of Constitutional Law is grueling, no doubt, but the whole thing took on a freakshow atmosphere to me when I realized that the guy was reciting the entire six hour lecture FROM MEMORY and WITHOUT USING ANY NOTES and reciting the content of his 45-page outline nearly VERBATIM. It was amazing. I felt like we needed a crier out front shouting, "COME ONE, COME ALL AND WITNESS THE INTELLECTUAL PROWESS OF PROFESSOR ERWIN CHEMERINSKY!! HE DAZZLES, HE AMAZES, HE RECITES FORTY FIVE PAGES OF TEXT VERBATIM WITHOUT THE USE OF NOTES OR VISUAL AIDS!!"

Seriously, it was almost spooky. He was able to state each page number and the section of the outline down to the smallest marker. "Under heading III, A, 3, c, ii, You see the rule that laws discriminating against undocumented aliens are subjected to rational basis review."

I'm sure Prof. Chemerinsky has given the lecture dozens of times, if not more. But still pretty impressive. And freakish.