Cursed With Ambition

There's a Tear in My Beer

Ojo Rojo seriously recommends:

www.BootLiquor.com

Love

If I love her and she does not love me back.
If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be yours.
~ Charles Caleb Colton

If I give myself over to this feeling what will happen?
I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes -- and the stars through his soul.
~ Victor Hugo

It was the little things...
'Tis not love's going hurts my days, But that it went in little ways.
~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

If you want to feel the truest, deepest, most exhilarating love then you have got to be willing to endure what may be the consequence.
The hottest love has the coldest end.
~ Socrates

I don't want to love you anymore.
The only victory over love is flight.
~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Let's be friends.
Platonic love is like an inactive volcano.
~ Andre Pevost

Toilet Boat

When we were in college (or if not technically IN college then at least college age and living a college lifestyle) MathJames got hungry one night. He was either broke or really didn't feel like going out to get something to eat. Instead he scavenged the apartment looking for something edible. He rummaged around in the freezer and found an off-brand Hot Pocket type of thing in a box that was covered with ice. The thing probably had been in there for over a year and before that had probably been in another freezer for a long time before that. I imagine that it got thawed out during a move from one crappy apartment to the next, maybe more than once. But it was still there.

So MathJames took it out of the freezer and knocked off some of the ice to see what it was and expose the heating instructions. He took it out of the box and popped it in the microwave. After a couple of minutes he took the steaming "pastry" out and let it cool. Pleased with himself for being so resourceful, he ambled into the living room cradling his dinner in a paper towel. He sat down, took a look at the Hot Pocket thing and took a bite. He chewed at normal speed at first, then slowed. He frowned and forced a painful looking swallow. After swallowing he sat there scowling at the Hot Pocket thing. He almost had a puzzled look on his face and was deep in thought, no doubt trying to decide what to do next.

I had been watching so I asked him, "Is it not any good?" To which he replied, "It tastes like a.......like a.......toilet boat."

Does Giving Porno as a Christmas Gift Make Me a Bad Person?

I've been waiting to post this until I received confirmation that my brother in Iraq got a package I sent him.  Got the confirmation.  Here's the post:

So my brother is in Iraq right now working for the defense contractor, KBR Services.  He's in the southern part of Iraq near An Nasiriyah and the site of the ancient city of Ur and the Ziggurat.  Anyway, in passing he mentioned that he couldn't get porn on the internet there because their access is restricted.  Also notable is the fact that on the military installation there are "no bitches and no booze."  (Except apparently this money Turkish chick, but that's another story.)  So, I thought it would be a good idea to send him some porn. 

For Christmas.

As he put it, "It would just make things...easier."

My first plan was to download some porn for free and burn it to a CD, wrap it and send it.  This option was attractive because of the variety that I would be able to supply him (important), and the price was right.  Well, I had some technical issues with that plan and never could get the damned CD to burn.  I still don't know why.  I wasted like 9 CD's trying to make it work.  Instead of abandoning my plan altogether and getting him a more, uh, traditional gift like a Longhorn sweatshirt or something I decided to stay the course, which meant I was going to have to buy porn at a store.

Now I've never bought porn before.  Maybe a magazine or two in high school, but you can get those at 7-11.  What I'm talking about here is porn video.  I've never been to a porno store and frankly never thought I would.  I have this conception that they are shady and full of perverts and that there's dried semen all over the place.  But I love my brother so what was I supposed to do?  I consulted with a friend of mine (who shall remain anonymous) who is knowledgeable about such things.  After a bit of coaching I felt ready.  The next problem I faced was to pick a store.  I didn't know of any in Houston.  Do you look in the yellow pages?  Under 'Pornography'  perhaps?  Doubtful.  Internet search?  Maybe.  What ended up happening is that I vaguely remembered a shady looking video store at the intersection of Greenbriar and Hwy 59 so I decided to check it out.  When I first walked in I thought it was just an indie video store like Vulcan or I Luv Video in Austin.  But it wasn't.

With maturity comes a certain comfort level with things that were formerly...distasteful.  I felt that way about going to a porn video store - I'm an adult and this is legal, so what's the big deal.  It's not like I'm a fiend or anything.  I walked into this place with a clear conscience.  So it was very easy to walk up to the customer service counter/window and ask the Vietnamese gentleman, "Hi there.  Do you sell adult videos here?"  And like a true professional, without a hint of emotion, no sneer,  no embarassment, he waved his arm in the direction of the three-quarters of the store that I had not seen yet.  And there, just to my left, were aisle after aisle of smut films. 

"Okay then," I thought to myself, "time to get to shopping.  Let's make this quick."  But then I said to myself, "Why quick?  This is casual, man.  Take your time.  View the selections.  Get something Jakey would like."  They didn't have a woman-giving-horses-blowjobs section so I had to browse a bit.  Amazingly these videos were arranged in sections by type.  They even had a vintage section with all of the classics like Behind the Green Door and the Deepthroat series.  All of the older boxes were HUGE.  Much larger than your typical VHS box.  You also had a black dudes on white chicks section, chicks on chicks section, orgies section, all anal section, all blowjobs section, etc.  There were entire sections of the the freakish things too like unnaturally large breasts and distended anuses.  I kinda wanted some variety on one video since that was part of my original plan and sure enough they had a compilation section.  At that moment I was struck with fear because I was going to have to ask the clerk another question.  Were these for sale or rent only?

I went back to the window, "Sir?  Excuse me, yes, are these videos for sale or rent only?"  He replied, "Sare.  Ren.  Whatevah you wan."  I said, "Okay, thanks" and went back to the compilation section.  I eventually settled on one that was entitled, Fuck This! which also boasted, Featuring 10 Horny Sluts! I took my selection up to the counter.  The DVD box was empty of course so the Vietnamese man had to hunt for the DVD on a separate shelf behind the counter.  He came back and pointed out to me that both said Fuck This! in large green script to prove that the box matched the DVD.  I nodded to say, "Yeah dude, they're the same" and he rang up my purchase.  He put the DVD in a special porn store non-translucent plastic bag and I left.

Maybe I lost a little bit of whatever innocence I have left, maybe not.  There's probably a special place in hell for people who give porn for Christmas.

I hope not.

Google Giggle

The last Google search that turned up CWA:  Spinning Poodle Hair

Wow.

New Banner Fubar

My apologies to the readership for the unprofessional banner display.  I was tinkering with it last night and you see the results.  That's what I get for trying this after two glasses of wine and a beer.

Confirmation Sickness

The following is a transcription of a meeting of the President's crack committee assigned to get Alito confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice.

Republican Operative No. 1:  "So we're sure this guy is going to help us make abortions illegal and make it okay for the president to override acts of Congress?"

Republican Operative No. 2:  "Relax.  Scalito is our boy."

Rebublican Operative No. 1:  "Okay then.  First rule - say stare decisis a lot."

Republican Operative No. 2:  "S-T-A-R-E  D-E-C-I-S-I-S.  Staaaarry Deeciiisis.  Say it with me."

Alito:  "But if I'm a Supreme Court Justice, there is no mandatory precedent that I have to follow.  So I could do whatever I want."

Republican Operative No. 1:  "You know that.  I know that.  Some law student in Houston, Texas knows that.  But the rest of Americans don't know that."

Republican Operative No. 2:  "That fat-ass Ted Kennedy and that pussy Shumer know it too.  That's why they're going to try to raise holy hell."

Republican Operative No. 3 aka Mr. Wolf:  "That's where my plan comes in.  On the third day, when Kennedy and Feinstein are taking their hacks, we have Mrs. Alito start crying and leave the chamber.  That paints the Dems as the real bad guy assholes and our guy as Mr. Sensitive family man."

Rebublican Operatives No. 1 & 2:  "Wow.  That's brilliant."

Mr. Wolf:  "They don't call me Mr. Wolf for nothing."  "Dammit, we're out of Macallan scotch."

Scalito:  "I got this baby in the bag."  "Do you hear that, honey?  I'm going to be one of the High Nine on the Potomac!!"

Mrs. Scalito:  "Does anyone have any glycerin drops?"

Republican Operative No. 1:  "I think we should also get him to say, 'I abhor legislating from the bench' a lot."

Republican Operative No. 2:  "We could have a photo doctored that shows him wearing a t-shirt that says that and leak it to the press."

Mr. Wolf:  "Still minor league stuff, boys.  But you're getting there.  You're getting there."

The Spirit of Fortune

Between May and October of 1997 I lived in Nevada and worked in a gold mine. This is true. Most all of my close friends and family have heard me tell this story at on time or another. Some of them have probably heard it more than they would care to. It's a grand story. A real epic. Well, maybe not an epic, but a damned good story nonetheless. Many times I've considered writing the story in novel form. Maybe even making an attempt at getting it published. I've even got a snappy title for the book: The Spirit of Fortune. But of course, my life is consumed with other pursuits.

Even though I've never even begun writing I often fantasize about what it would be like to be the author of a successful novel. I've even imagined being a guest on NPR's Fresh Air with Terry Gross. The interview would go something like this:

Terry Gross: "My guest today is the author of The Spirit of Fortune, the winner of the Ivan Sandrof Award for Contribution to American Arts and Letters. The Spirit of Fortune spent an astonishing 32 weeks atop the New York Times Bestseller List. The book is a work of nonfiction, which chronicles the misadventures of the author and a crew of men who set out to mine for gold in the Sierra Madre in western Nevada. It is a coming of age story and takes place in the late 90's when the author was only twenty three years old. Paramount Studios acquired the rights to the book and the film of the same title is expected to debut in May of this year. Ojo Rojo, welcome."

Ojo Rojo: "It's a pleasure to be here."

TG: "Now, set the stage for us. The book starts out with you working in a hardware store and you meet someone."

OR: "Yes. I worked in a hardware store/lumber yard type of place during college. Well, actually, at the time this took place I was taking a semester off from school. But anyway, I worked at this place. My prospects were pretty grim. I had no idea what I was doing in college. I had no direction. I drank a lot and started smoking. I also played darts quite often. I got to be pretty good. One day while I was at work, this very interesting old gentleman came into the store. It was apparent that there was something different, something unique about this fellow. His name was Ted Ostas. I sort of liked to approach interesting people who came into the store and offer to help them. It was interesting to see different people's quirks. Sometimes they would tell me funny stories or give me little bits of wisdom. Ted was no exception. I walked up to him and asked him if I could help him. He stood there for a moment and looked me up and down before saying anything at all. The first words out of his mouth were, 'Did you know that there are piles of cannon balls at the Civil War Memorial in Jefferson, Texas?"

TG: "You knew you were on to something right away."

OR: "I certainly did. I worked with Ted when he would come in to the store for a couple of weeks trying to find bits of hardware or different machinery. Eventually he invited me to his home. Said he wanted to talk to me about a job prospect. I had nothing to lose so I went. Turns out, the guy' had a mining claim somewhere in Nevada, he had all of the papers. He claimed that there was a lot of gold on his claim and he had papers that backed up what he was saying. He told me all kinds of tall tales and adventure stories about all of his trips out west to look for mines and minerals. He was a geologist and really seemed to know what he was talking about. I must have been at his house for over four hours. At the end of our visit he told me about his plans to go to Nevada and work his mine during the summer season. He asked me if I'd like to come along."

TG: "Obviously you did go along and had some wild adventures along the way. What does your book say about the experience of youth and the passing of that time?"

OR: "It says that it's okay to take chances when you're young. It also says that sometimes those chances pay off and sometimes they don't. I didn't get rich, but in my case I came out of the experience unscathed - nothing really bad happened. That's not always the case. There were enough near-misses in the book that people should understand the kinds of dangers you can put yourself into. But no, it's important to take chances and get outside of your comfort area when you are young. It gets harder to do those kinds of things when you get older. You've got to test yourself and learn about yourself as part of the maturation process."

TG: "You are married now to Elena Marakova, the former Victoria Secret model and you have two children. Your son recently won the gold medal in the decathlon at the Cairo Olympics and your daughter is a scholar of virginal studies at the Notre Dame de Paix et de Tranquillité convent in southern France."

OR: "That's right."

TG: "It seems things are going very well for you."

OR: "Well, this is MY fantasy after all."

Goddbye VY

Well, Our Savior and Deliverer, VY, announced his plans to go into the NFL aka "Not For Long" aka "Not For Losers"  aka "Super Commercialized Soulless Pandering to the Masses." 

I was not stunned or upset when the news broke.  I had it about 55:45 in favor of him staying.  He really made the only decision that he could though.  The bottom line is this:  his stock could not have gone any higher.  Even if he came back, won the Heisman and another national title he still would be only marginally more valuable than he is right now, if at all.  The likelihood of his stock going down would have been much greater, which would translate into a loss for him of several million dollars.  Add in the possibility of injury or scandal and it is a no-brainer.  So I think he made the right move, all things considered.

Vince Young is a champion, a winner.  His legacy at UT will outlive us all.  I wish him all the success in the world at the next level.

Sidenote:  In his announcement speech he repeated over and over how he had consulted with his uncles, his pastor and his mother.  While I can't discount their importance to him in making this decision, somebody please tell me that he also consulted with former and/or current players, accountants, NFL scouts, coaches etc.  This is a dollars and cents equation, after all, and I would hope that he had access to the best advice available.

Sidenote:  I was listening to a sports radio station on my way from Tarpley (in the Hill Country west of San Antonio - I was there on a hunting trip) to Houston.  Bryan Cox (former Dolphin, Bear, Jet, Patriot and Saint) was one of the hosts of the show.  He was a hoodlum and a malcontent when he was a player, but he was remarkably well spoken and astute as an on-air personality.  I had no idea.

National Champions

My grandfather graduated from the University of Texas in 1942, my father in 1976. I graduated twice; once in 1998 and again in 2002. My cousin and my youngest brother are both graduates of UT and the three of us were there at roughly the same time so we've been to a lot of games and watch parties together. My grandfather tells a story about how he once snuck into the UT-A&M game by getting an Aggie Corp turd to toss his long duster over the fence so he could don it and get past the guards at the gates in disguise. My dad was pretty broke in college and had me to deal with so I don't think he got to go to many games. He and my mother went to the TX-OU game for the first time in 2001 with my brother and I, when UT lost 14-3. That was the game where Roy Williams (the defensive back for OU, not the receiver for Texas) jumped over the line of scrimmage and caused that fair-haired QB we had to fumble into the hands of Teddy Lehman for an OU touchdown. My cousin and I (and the hardest core drinker I've ever known) were at the OU game in 2000 where we stood in the Cotton Bowl in the cold drizzle as UT lost 63-14. I was in DKR for the season opener in 1999 against NC State when we were so hopeful but lost the game 23-20 because of 3 blocked punts. I was standing outside the stadium in 1995 near the end zone where I watched Phil Dawson kick the game winning field goal against Virginia against a very strong wind. I skipped half a day of a lab field trip on September 21, 1996 to see Texas play Notre Dame. We lost. I went with a girl named Dixie. At the end of the semester my professor gave me a D in the class out of spite and I'll never forgive that son-of-a-bitch. I watched the game where Bryant Westbrook flattened A&M's Leeland McElroy in '95 and when Tony Brackens nearly killed Tech's punter on a huge sideline hit. I was literally sitting on the goal line when Stonie Clark made the stop against OU in 1994. We were huddled around the little TV in Port O'Connor when Chris Simms lost the Big 12 game against Colorado in 2001, a game where if we had won we would have played Miami in the Rose Bowl for the national championship. I watched Ricky accept the Heisman and I scratched my head when Kwame Cavil and Aaron Humphrey were suspended for the 2000 Cotton Bowl. I marveled at the greatest enigma ever in college football - Joe Walker, No. 17 - "The Anti-Victory." I saw us lose to UCLA 66-3 in 97 and Stanford 27-24 in 2000 because of that guy. We were ranked No. 5 at the time we played Stanford early in the season and looking to go unbeaten and get a shot at the national title. But he ruined that season. Literally every time he took the field something bad happened for the Longhorns. The only time I've ever seriously considered kidnapping and burning a human being to disperse bad karma or evil spirits or bad voodoo shit was with Joe Walker. I remember watching Eric Metcalf in the 80's and Lance Gunn, Taje Allen and Chris Carter on the '90 team that proved that Andre Ware and UH's run-n-shoot were bogus. I've watched the parade of great players come through, Priest, Ricky, Brackens, Brockermeyer, Pinkney, the Cash twins, Applewhite, McGarity, Dan Neil, Shaun Rogers, Casey Hampton, Corey Redding, Leonard Davis, Jammer, Roy Williams, Vasher, Benson, Derrick Johnson and now Vince Young. And on Wednesday night, January 4, 2006 I saw the Texas Longhorns, my team, come home. Where we belong. As National Champions.

Texas Fight.