Cursed With Ambition

Hot Russian Tennis Stars

Can I get a 'Wha! Wha!' that Maria Sharapova is one of the really wonderful things about being alive?

I mean...damn.

Wimbledon has got me thinking -  I think I may need to visit a Russian tennis academy at some point in the future.  Of course, if this were Summer Olympics season it might be a gymnastics academy.  Wait, those gymnastics chicks are like thirteen, so scratch that.  I mean they're still hot, but uh.....oh nevermind. 

Am I a bad person for having these thoughts about Russian youths?  Did I just write that out loud?

All Roads Lead to CWA

Latest Google searches that have led people to CWA:

1. farfromgood
2. loofah bacteria
3. twelve steps
4. filanmonet
5. Bradgelina

Netiquette

The editorial and marketing staff here at CWA (who we lovingly refer to as the "conscience") have informed me that I need to tone down the content to appeal to the target demographic:  attractive single mothers who took their ex-husbands for shitloads of money.

Admittedly the posts have been a little X-rated, so to start of a string of G-rated content here's this useful information that could come in handy for all of your e-communications.

Netiquette is something I find interesting because communicating by email, IM, chatrooms and even blogs, uses a different kind of language.  Grammar, punctuation and word choice are affected by this new and expanding medium.  Emoticons alone could be the subject of a book.  As a language and word junkie, I'm interested in this kind of stuff.

We'll see if the "conscience" is right about our demographic.

The Knitting Circle

The Golden Palms Retirement Community in Florida is hosting its annual talent show. About halfway through the show, two octogenarian couples - two men and two women - walk onto the stage with their two toy poodles. The event coordinator (who is an attractive young belle from southern Georgia and recent graduate of the Ole Miss communications school where she was voted most likely to publish a book on etiquette by her sorority) announces to the crowd, "And next up we have the Epsteins from Poughkeepsie, New York and the Donaldsons from Sheboygan, Wisconsin." After being introduced they begin their performance...

*INSERT YOUR VERSION OF THE EVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED HERE*

For the longest time nobody in the audience said a word. Finally, the attractive young event coordinator stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen let's have a round of applause for...The Knitting Circle!"

allBilly's Meme

I've been tagged with this meme twice now, so I better get on it or bad karma will surely get me.

1. What is the total volume of music you own?  I have 5.2GB on iTunes and I have 52 CD's.  (Ok. Ok.  I'm not that damned anal.  But it is around 5GB and around 50 CD's.)
2. What's the last CD you bought?  Hmmm...  I don't buy that many CD's to begin with, but I think the last one I bought was The Talking Heads:  Greatest Hits
3. What song is playing right now?  I'm at work and I turned the sound off of my computer so I'm not listening to anything right now.  But the song in my head right now is Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads but only because I had to rack my brain to remember the last CD I bought.
4. What 5 songs do I listen to a lot?  Crazy by Seal, Come as You Are by Nirvana, Surf Medley by Junior Brown, Real Country Song by Dale Watson, 2002 by Bob Schneider.
5. What 5 people will I pose these questions to?  llogg, MathJames, Very Metal, Billy Bonka, Tom

*  I know this is a somewhat repetitive meme for some of those I named.

The Aristocrats

I found out about this new movie called "The Aristocrats" that's coming out.  I read a description which said that it was a comedic documentary where all of these famous comedians tell a joke called "The Aristocrats."  Of course, I wanted to hear the joke (I mean if there's a whole movie about it, it has to be good right?) so I googled it and found it here.

Could be the filthiest things I've ever read.

Twelve Steps (Continued)

The Cursed With Ambition Authoritative Hangover Cure Process

1. If your BAC the night before rose to the level of chemotherapy then there really is nothing that you're going to be able to do for several hours except wait and suffer.  If you are capable of locomotion, you should still try to drink some water and take some acetominophen or ibuprofen before proceeding to the steps below.
2. Find that cat.  (It was the cat that shit in your mouth.)
3. Take a shower.  Let the showerhead wash some of the cat-shit taste out of your mouth.  Clean your body of the party-scum of cigarette smoke, spilled alcohol and the cheap perfume from the skank you made out with last night.
4. Get some greasy food.  Josie's (Port O'Connor, TX) chorizo breakfast tacos are the number one hangover-killing food on Earth but if you don't have those then get something like:  Whataburger w/ fries, migas, most other Tex-Mex, chicken fried steak or chicken w/ fried okra and mashed potatoes.
5. You should be feeling worlds better after you eat.  Your body will tell you when you are ready to have a bowel movement.  By the time that's finished your hangover will be completely gone.
6. Take a nap.  Recovery is tiring stuff.

*  Most of this is just common sense but sometimes in an altered state even that is difficult to adhere to.

*  Chasers or any of that other crap that claims to prevent or cure hangovers DOES NOT work.

*  Goodflow Juice Co.'s apple, banana, honey & spirulina juice concoction may be the most wholesome food product in the world (next to whale semen).  This is the closest thing I know of to an "instant" hangover cure.  Even if not hung over, drink one and you instantly start feeling healthier - it's that damned good.  (Odwalla juice company has a similar product called Superfood - but they're from California, not Austin, so they're instantly inferior.)

Eff Counter

No. of F-bombs dropped in last post: 12

Twelve Steps

Thanks to all of you who commented on the last post.

Along the lines of the last post, I'd like to offer some of my own hard-won wisdom on demon alcohol:

The Cursed With Ambition Authoritative Guide to Avoiding Drunken Stupidity

1. Don't drink.
2. If #1 is not an available option, then take some time and think about the course you expect the night to take and plan accordingly.  For example, think about who's going to be there, what time are you going to arrive, where and when to get a meal, the availability of water and food, what type of booze you'll be consuming, whether there's going to be a Shot Dick there, etc.
3. Eat a big meal BEFORE you start drinking.  This will not only slow the uptake of alcohol into your bloodstream but will also slow down your pace because your stomach feels full.
4. Arrive to the party late.  Everyone else there will already have been drinking for a while so even if your pace is faster it will take you a little while to catch up.  Plus, you shorten the total time that you will be drinking by starting to party later.
5. Once you start drinking be aware of your buzz level.  If it gets too high, drink water for a while or find some more food to eat.  (The levels of drunkenness range somewhere between light buzz to totally fucking wasted with The Perfect Buzz somewhere in between.  Totally fucking wasted is really no more fun than much lower levels of intoxication.  So, even though it takes a little work, preventing yourself from becoming totally fucking wasted is a win/win.)
6. Even if you are not directly trying to control the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream, drink lots of water throughout the night anyway.
7. DO NOT allow yourself to go over The Edge.  You know it when you get there.  It's hard because at this point you've already gone past The Perfect Buzz.  You may think you want to increase the pace, but when you have to face reality you'll realize that was a bad idea.  This is the hardest step by far.  It takes self control and discipline, which are eroded by the alcohol you have already consumed.
8. If you fail at #6 and you go over The Edge then remove yourself from social settings; especially if there are members of the opposite sex there.  Caveat:  If everyone else who is present is drunker than you then it's ok because nobody is going to remember or care about anything you might say or do.

Definitions:

drunken stupidity - describes the things you do and say when you are totally fucked up.  Usually characterized by inappropriate comments like "Wow, you have really nice tits!" or "You wanna go fuck?"  These statements are usually made to people you respect and want to think highly of you.  Drunken stupidity is also often characterized by actions such as inappropriate nakedness or senseless acts of vandalism.

Shot Dick - that dude/chick who always tries to get you to take shots; even if you are already visibly fucked up.

pace - probably the single most important factor to avoiding drunken stupidity.  It is the rate at which you consume alcoholic beverages.  For seasoned drinkers this is well established unless you are a beer drinker who switches to liquor or vice versa.

late - an hour should do the trick.  You don't want to be so late that you piss off your friends or fuck up the plans.

buzz level - the amount of euphoria you feel as the result of consuming alcohol.  Ranges from light buzz to totally fucked up.

light buzz - the earliest stage of intoxication.  Still legal to drive.

The Perfect Buzz - the Shangri-La of partying.  It's where everything you say or do is charming or funny and everything everybody else says or does is too.  At this level you are probably not legal to drive a car but are you are still very unlikely to do anything stupid. 

The Edge - the level of intoxication right at the precipice of drunken stupidity.  If you take one more sip of alcohol you are fucked and will go over The Edge and soon become totally fucked up.

totally fucked up - could also be known as a "black out."  It's where you are still awake but you are totally unaware of what the fuck you are doing.  The likelihood that you will say or do something that you are going to be ashamed of when reality sets in is very, very high.  Characterized by a complete numbness of the body, double vision, inability to stand or walk, possible vomiting and having sex with fat or unattractive people.

reality - what you perceive when you are not intoxicated.  Usually fully understood in the morning after a night of drinking; as in "Oh shit! I feel like a bag of smashed assholes and I'm late for work!"

Coming soon:  The Cursed With Ambition Authoritative Hangover Cure Process

Finding New Ways to Blow It

"Almost every regrettable thing that I have ever done has been associated with consuming large amounts of alcohol." -- CWA

Somebody tell me this story is funny and that I'm not totally fucked up.

I've got this very attractive neighbor. She's fair-skinned and of Mexican descent. I don't know how best to describe her other than to say that she's shapely (in a good way), she's got long dark hair and a pretty smile. I see her coming and going but I don't talk to her that much. She usually sees me out on the balcony talking on the phone and smoking. She's always friendly but I get the impression that she's not turned on by the smoke. Anyway, the other day she came home and, of course, I was on the phone, smoking a cigarette outside. I made a joke to her along the lines of, "I know you think this is all that I do, but I promise there's really more to me than this." To which she replied, "I don't know. I think you're going to have to prove that to me." Hmmmmmm....... That sounded like an invitation to me. I looked forward to the next time I saw her.

Two nights ago I had been talking on the phone, smoking and sipping a beer. In fact I had sipped 3 beers and had just made my first vodka and tonic. I was standing outside just looking around when the hot neighbor walked up. So, I asked her if I could make her a drink. After a little persuasion she agreed to.

She pulled a chair out of her apartment and sat down. I handed her a vodka and tonic. We talked for a long time about where she's from, where I'm from, what we do etc. etc. etc. I was on my third vodka and tonic when the shit started going downhill. I started noticing that I couldn't remember how a lot of what I was saying related to the conversation. Then I started noticing that this girl was really fucking beautiful. I'm sure I told her as much. Then I asked her if she'd go out with me. Then I asked her if she wanted to kiss.

I don't know exactly how long of a span of time all of this took place in, but I do know that it was inappropriately short. I went straight from "It's nice to meet you" to "Can I stick my tongue down your throat?"

What the fuck was that? What was I thinking? How fucking stupid was I to ruin my fucking chance with the hot neighbor - and I'm not even telling all of the other stupid shit I was saying to her in addition!!

Goddamn I'm an idiot!! Oughta just go fucking hang myself!! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt!!!!!!!!

Ok, I don't really know just how bad it was. For all I know she thought I was charming and cute. But that's not the point. The point is that I've been shit-faced drunk like four out of the last seven days. I've been late to fucking work a lot as a result and I'm starting to feel like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Maybe I'm stressing my grades that are about to come out, maybe I'm stressing my job because we're merging with another firm, maybe I'm stressing a lot of other shit.

I don't know, but I'm seriously considering getting on the wagon people.